________________
Aptavani-9
269
hands are not for taking, they are for giving; you can ask me for anything you need.' And this is how everyone stopped having any kind of fear about me.
Everyday there would be several cars parked in front of my home in Mamani Poda in Baroda. I used to pay fifteen rupees rent for that house in a well-respected area. How many people lived in bungalows some forty-four years ago? Mamani Poda was considered a very good location. People normally lived in homes paying seven rupees for rent and I was paying fifteen rupees for our home. I was looked upon as a very successful contractor. So those who lived in that area would drive their cars to my home whenever they had any difficulties. They would come to me having done something illegal and yet I would help them escape through a 'back-door' (find an underhanded solution or a loop-hole for them) solution for them. I would show them the 'back door' and tell them to 'leave' from there. Now they were the ones who committed the crime and I would find a way for them to escape. So I took the responsibility (karmic) of their crime upon myself. Why is that? It was to feed my maan! Is it not a crime to find a 'back-door' for others? I would use my good judgment to show them the way out and help them escape. So they would treat me with respect, but I was the one left to face the consequences; I took on the liability of facing the consequences. Later I realized that it was sheer unawareness on my part that led me to take on the liability of such consequences and all because of maan. That was when I recognized the maan within. What worries it had caused me!! What anxieties I had for just wanting maan (respect)!
Questioner: How did you destroy that maan once you 'caught' it?
Dadashri: Maan cannot be destroyed; it can be covered (upsham) so that it does not hurt so much but it cannot be
270
Aptavani-9
destroyed. How can it be destroyed when the one who is destroying it will be destroyed? How can one kill one's own self? Do you understand that? So I covered that maan and dealt with it as much as I could and let the days pass.
Frightful heat of anger in reaction to obstruction of pride
I did not have any greed from my very childhood. But I had tremendous maan and therefore the anger that comes along with it.
Questioner: Does that mean that you would get very angry at the slightest interference if your maan was hurt, restricted or obstructed?
Dadashri: Even the slightest of agitation in that respect would incite such anger in me that people around me would tremble with fear. That anger was so intense that it would cause the other person to 'burn' also! The anger was that bad, because there was no other greed, only the greed for this respect (maan). Prior to Gnan, if the anger ever erupted, it would 'kill' the victim on the spot. One Sikh almost died; I had to go and pacify him in order to turn things around.
So that was the state 'we' were in. At home there was hardly any money, only this superficial pompousness. And because of that, there were endless difficulties and worries.
The Ego before and after Gnan
What would people around me say? 'He is a very happy man!' I had a contract business; money flowed in and out. I had lot of love towards people and people could see it in my eyes; they said I was God-like. They said I was very happy! People thought I was a happy man but I used to worry incessantly. One day I could not sleep because I could not stop worrying. So I 'wrapped' my worries in a 'package', did a vidhi on it with some mantras and placed it between two pillows and went off
