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I did not have any greed from my very childhood. But I had tremendous pride- maan and therefore, the anger that comes along with it.
Questioner: Does that mean that you would get very angry at the slightest of interference if your maan was hurt, restricted, obstructed?
Dadashri: Even the slightest of agitation in that respect would incite such anger in me that people around me would tremble with fear. That anger was so intense that it would cause the other person to 'burn also! The anger was that bad, because there was no other greed, only the greed for this respect maan. Prior to Gnan, if the anger ever erupted, it would 'kill' the victim on the spot. One Sikh almost died; I had to go and pacify him inorder to turn things around.
So that was the state 'we' were in. At home there was hardly any money, only this superficial pompousness. And because of that, there were endless difficulties and worries.
The Ego before and after Gnan
What would people around me say? 'He is a very happy man!' I had a contract business; money flowed in and out. I had a lot of love towards people and people could see it in my eyes; they said I was God-like. They said I was very happy! People thought I was a happy man but I used to worry incessantly. One day I could not sleep because I could not stop worrying. So I 'wrapped' my worries in a 'package', did a vidhi on it with some mantras and placed it between two pillows and went off to sleep and I had a good night sleep. Next morning I put that 'package' in the Vishvamitri River and then my worries started to decrease. But when Gnan manifested, then T''saw-understood' joyoon and ‘knew-experienced' jaanyoon the entire world as it is.
Questioner: But even before Gnan you had the awareness that it was the ego, did you not?
Dadashri: Yes, I did have that awareness. I also knew that it was ego, but I liked it. But it was when it bothered me so much that I realized that there was no fun in it; it was then that I realized that the ego was not my friend but , rather it was my foe.
