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They frequently feel, 'I got to be me by getting away from you.' We see many examples of how partners maintain physical distance, have infrequent contact or take up consuming jobs just to maintain their separate identity. Such people often stamp their feet and scream, 'I got to be me, don't fence me in, I need space!' They keep the relationship in constant turmoil so as to keep their identity alive and kicking.
Being in the here and now This is one of the most important aspects of consciousness, not only in marriage but also in other walks of life. Partners in marriage often start a 'stamp' collection. This consists of memories and recollections of unpleasant events in the past. Whenever there is an argument, even a minor one, these stamps' are brought out and traded actively!
'You let me down the last week when you were late for dinner!'; 'You are we are like raw, uncut always putting me down in front of other people, don't you remember the but flawless diamonds. It party at the Sharmas, and what about the one six months before where you
said that I look likea clown in that shirt!' These never ending allegations to is only when we are
events of the past do not allow us to live and learn in the present. We keep willing to polish off every on holding grudges. It takes an inordinate amount of time to recover from
part of ourselves that past arguments. And if that were not enough, most of our present is used up cannot join with the
in thinking about what we will do to our partner when he or she 'misbehaves' other, that we find our
again in the future. We fail to understand that. Now is the only moment we
have to live our lives. What stops us from being totally in the present moment? soul mate.
Obviously, unfinished business. So the way out is to not let any businesses
remain unfinished. If we are seething inside with resentment at something Serenity Prayer:
our partner did or said in the past, we should voice our feelings using '1'
language. Our partner may understand and say 'sorry' or he may not. That God give me
is totally his or her prerogative. If he or she is willing to change, it is great. the courage to change If not, then we have to accept that too. This is the basis of the Serenity what I can, the serenity Prayer: God give me the courage to change what I can, the serenity to to accept what I cannot
accept what I cannot and the wisdom to distinguish between the two. and the wisdom to
Communication & intimacy distinguish Let me ask you a question. You go to a restaurant, take a look around and between the two. you can instantly make out whether the couples sitting there are married or
dating. How? Answer: Married couples don't talk to each other. Why? Because they don't want to hear what the other has to say, because they already know what the other will say! Isn't that an example of 'great' communication?!
Many of you might be going through a period of courtship where there is mutual exchange of personal likes and dislikes. Intimacy is the goal of any loving relationship. Intimacy, as we know it, appears to be akin to mutual understanding, validation and acceptance of the other's point of view. We like to disclose information about ourselves once we know for sure that the other is going to endorse it and give positive feedback. This is 'other validated intimacy' and not true intimacy. True and vibrant intimacy requires disclosing not only familiar and comfortable parts of yourself but the whole of yourself
14 Biennial JAINA convention 2007
For Private & Pers! 83e Only
PEACE THROUGH DIALOGUErary.org
