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Unconditional Positive Regard
Procrustes was an ancient Greek bandit. He used to build beds for his guests the same way we build a marriage, as per his own expectations. As soon as the guest lay down on the bed, Procrustes went to work upon him, stretching him on the rack if he was too short for the bed and chopping off his legs if he was too long. Likewise, we always try to change our spouses to fit our pre-conceived ideas of how our partner should be. In doing so, we reduce them to mere objects. We turn a person into a 'husband' or a 'wife', as though it was some commodity. Needless to say, this is a futile exercise and only results in frustration on both sides. Wouldn't it be much better if we had an unconditional positive regard for our partners. Your interaction with them should give an impression that they will be understood and not judged. This requires listening with a sensitive ear. We have a tendency to continuously weigh and judge a person while interacting with him or her. Don't do that. Judgment leads to conclusions, creates distance and is not compatible with love.
'Did I pick the right person?'
This question always torments us. We tend to say no, but actually it has nothing to do with the other person. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. We are like raw, uncut but flawless diamonds. It is only when we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join with the other, that we find our soul mate.
Differentiation
This process of polishing has been referred to as differentiation or self actualization or individuation (Carl Jung). Differentiation as described by David Schnarch involves balancing two basic life forces the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. Individuality wants us to follow our own directives to create a unique identity; whereas togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others and to be a part of a group. Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when spouses, friends or family pressure you to agree or conform to their wishes. You can agree with them without feeling like you are 'losing yourself' or you can disagree without feeling bitter.
Differentiated people derive their self worth from their inner sense of values and not from outer circumstances. They try their best to have things as per their inner wishes, but if it doesn't happen that way, they just let go. They don't feel that their world has come to an end if their partner forgets a birthday or a wedding anniversary. They do feel bad just like any other person, but they convey this to the other using 'T' language and move on.. They don't try to browbeat the other person or indulge in emotional blackmail.
Since differentiated people derive their sense of identity from inside, they do not feel consumed when they are close to the other. Undifferentiated people feel they are losing their identity when they are very close to their partners and as a result are forced to increase the emotional or physical distance.
14th Biennial JAINA Convention 2007
Jain Education International
182
For Private & Personal Use Only
Quite often we get married for the wrong. reasons because we haven't matured enough for the right reasons to exist. Partners in marriage
often start a 'stamp' collection. This consists of memories and recollections of unpleasant events in the past. Whenever there is an argument, even a minor one, these 'stamps' are brought out and traded
PEACE THROUGH DIALOGUE
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