Brahmachariji

Author(s): Manu Doshi
Publisher: Manu Doshi

Page 9

During this life I have therefore not thought of laying any claim on ancestral property and simultaneously I believe that other people should not expect anything from me. The cost of my education was borne by the undivided family and I considered it reasonable, because I did not expect anything else from the family. In order to provide funds for education of the family-children in future I had thought of sending to Bändhani whatever we could save by reasonably maintaining our household without expecting to get back anything out of it. We have not tried to set aside anything in the form of cash or ornaments. I believed that all the savings should go to the family chest, which should be treated as a bank balance that could be used in case of illness or for other purposes like maintaining and educating the children. For that sake, however, I did not believe in observing frugality in maintaining our household. My concept for that purpose was similar to a domestic granary in which is stored whatever is produced in the farm. The same could be used as per requirements and whatever remains would be the saving. I was also sure that you are not extravagant and hence I never thought of privately setting aside any amount.
By virtue of some earlier Karma I was of the strong opinion that I should not be a burden upon anyone and I should live in a way that is right. I should not have to repent at the time of death that I had to suffer on account of my abiding by the advice of so and so or to find any other fault with someone. But I could not openly express the same. Hence the people at Bändhani as well as other relatives did not like my joining the service of the Society. They felt that I was hitting the axe on my own feet. You felt it all the more, because as the elder brother you had spent for my education out of family chest with the expectation that you would be off the burden now. Hence you had conveyed through the mother that we should divide our property. From what I have written above, it would be clear that what you were feeling scared of could not even be conceived by me. I was not going to be sad, if I did not get a penny out of the ancestral property.
I did not believe that I had any stake on the property and there was no force that could alter my view. There was of course one force and that was our mother; I did not want to hurt her feeling bad anyway. She was, however, so affectionate that she could never think of making me unhappy by forcing her wish upon me. She invariably asked me to do the way I felt happy while taking care of you. She had also expected that I would be a great official, while you would remain a pauper. She was not aware that I had ridden off the concept of getting rich and had entrusted to you to manage whatever belonged to the family.
Moreover her religious mind could not force me to change my thinking and to ask me to earn more. I therefore knew that I had nothing to feel afraid of. She had never conceived of the wealth and at the time of death she had blessed me for getting the grace of God, which I have been looking for. It seems that God is pleased to give me the reward of serving the mother and I have been repeatedly thinking of endeavoring for the same. It is not easy to get the human life again and it would not be possible to accomplish the bliss in other births. We shall have to leave behind whatever we might have earned. We should therefore try to get in this life what is of interest to soul.
By virtue of the sense of detachment and renouncement I was so far prompted to undertake the work of public service for the sake of spiritual well being. But I did not know that it was like ascending the stairs. I had planned to serve the Society for 20 years and thought it right. At the end of ten years I now see that those arrangements were faulty. It seems like someone coming to the rail station on horseback and giving it up for climbing the bridge. The horse here stands for family worries, which I had set aside while taking up the Society's work. Though I could not remain completely aloof from the family matters, I can say that no worry occurred to me in that respect. Had that occurred, I would have inquired about the produce from the farm, how much net we gain, how much is the expense and how much is the saving. I have never done it in spite of your repeated suggestions to do so. Even at present our neighbors might be better aware of our property, I have never cared to know about it.
I have dealt with the considerations Nos. 3 and 4. Now let me talk about others. That will be clear from the description of Vitthal, who died before this Babu was born. During his three years of life I used to feel like leaving the home on account of the sense of detachment. I actually once left Bändhani at 3.00 A.M. with the intent that I would hide myself in some wilderness that I may come across and make preparations for a superior life. While moving here and there for two hours in the direction of Nadiad when I came to the border of Ghunteli, I realized that I was still near Bändhani; if someone came looking for me, he could easily spot me. Hence traversing the regular one mile distance in half an hour I came back to Bändhani. I