Brahmachariji

Author(s): Manu Doshi
Publisher: Manu Doshi

Page 8

Before proceeding further let me tell you something about my mind when I was studying. It will show that in spite of worrying too much I could not do much beyond remaining anguished and feeling unhappy. While I was studying, I used to continually think of my future. The idea of how I could make my way in the worldly life used to bother me since I was 14 or 15. I knew that according to our family conditions it would be necessary for me to earn my livelihood. Simultaneously it hurt me to think that I would have to bear the responsibility for the entire family, in case you are not there. My young mind could not make out how I would be able to undertake that responsibility. When I happened to see a man in sixties, it occurred to me that he had spent most of the life and was not likely to survive long. But when I compared myself with him, I used to think that he was far better off than me. I had a long life to live and the idea of what would happen to me during that long period made me cry. My looking at those old people with wet eyes is still fresh in my mind.
Aside from giving pain those worries have not been helpful to anyone except that they prompted me to resume study. Thereafter the idea of leaving the student life so as to start earning occurred to me from time to time. The fact that I continued to study was mainly due to the feeling that proceeding with the study could delay my worrying for future. I felt that it was better to delay undertaking of worldly responsibilities Those worries have not been fruitful in any other respect.
I have thus not kept anything undone in worrying about the future, but did not tell anyone on account of bashfulness. After finishing the study when it was the time to undertake work, everything turned out readymade. It seemed as if the nature had made the arrangements for me as the British Govt. makes the arrangements for residence, office etc. of an incoming Collector. Many people had spent sleepless nights for me and had set up where and what type of work I had to do.
As such, I was not required to make any application or wait for any order of appointment. The work was waiting for me even before my ruptured thumb was healed. While I did not have any concept about where to live or how to maintain myself, the nature placed me in the midst of noble Amin families. I did not have any qualification except the yearning to put in good work. But neither have I received any rebuke, nor have I faced any problem. I had thus no reason to face any adversity except worrying about true progress in life, which did not allow even the people like Gautam Buddha to stay at ease. I think, all that could have happened only by virtue of some wholesome previous Karma and wholesome contact. Otherwise I feel ashamed to see my faults at that time. It's not that the faults do not prevail at present; the difference is that earlier I took them as friends, while I now consider those faults as foes and am out to fight against them.
I have found the work of the Society as simple as taking the breath. You might have, however, thought that I would be a high Govt. official or an administrator to usurp the public property like a daylight robber, or earn by becoming an attorney, who would encourage disputes among the people and prosper. But nothing of that sort was destined to be done through this body. I also had the notions of becoming a Govt. official two years before finishing the study, but my idea was to be helpful to the people by becoming an official.
Those notions, however, underwent change during the last years of study and I decided not to undertake the slavery of serving the British Govt. I was prepared to face the life of austerity, if it became necessary by my accepting a private job. During that period I also had the occasion to read spiritual literature. That reading coupled with the graduate degree had given me the confidence that wherever I would be required to stay, I would not have to show humility for earning my livelihood; whatever adverse may happen, I would be able to earn enough for maintaining the family and close relatives. Simultaneously it was in my mind that I do not want to be a millionaire in this life. It was therefore not necessary to make vain effort for earning too much. That gave and still gives me the satisfaction.
Due to that confidence and remaining under the influence of reformation I had decided that I would not take anything from the ancestral property. In many cases brothers happen to quarrel for the sake of such property, I did not want to do anything of that sort. I also felt it unjust to lay claim on the property not earned by me. Only the females and children, who do not earn, can legitimately lay claim thereon. I believe that others, males in particular, should gain their livelihood by their own endeavor.