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THE NOTION OF GROWTH
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thought we did? Let's just look at the motive that was inside us at the time of decision, the real motive we wouldn't dare tell others, the real motive that was the true emotional cause for our determination to go for a career, an adventure, a partner, for security, responsibility, for challenge or boredom.
Let's just once - briefly - forget all those nice official reasons that so perfectly rationalize our decisions and let's look a little deeper than might be comfortable.
Was it the desire to impress the father - to gain his attention, his love, his respect, his admiration? Or was it the mother, the elder brother, the friend, or the old enemy? Was it the fear of poverty, destruction, of loneliness, of losing something? Was it the hope to meet girls, boys, others, because we had only little opportunity for that before? Was it the enthusiasm to achieve a certain goal - and who or what had caused that enthusiasm? Or did we only want to show others how brave we could be? -
Were we really aware of all this when we made these important decisions? Were we really clear about everything that went on beneath the polished surface?
No, let's not fool ourselves, - it's not us who are in command of selecting, it's the selection process that controls us. We are ruled by some unknown mechanism that puts thoughts, meanings, emotions and impulses for actions into our consciousness. And we can only follow. We have no alternative, no concept how life could be without this automatic mechanism, can not observe this process from any outside point of view. - We have no idea what at some certain times presents us with ever the same painful events that tear up our insides again and again.
None of the modern material concepts of this world offer information about this mechanism. But reality is far more
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