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YOUTH
ASK AUNTJE
LOS ANGELES PATHSHALA TEACHER AND RESIDENT AGONY AUNT, PALLAVI GALA, IS BACK TO ANSWER MORE OF YOUR QUESTIONS RELATING TO JAINISM AND LIFE IN GENERAL!
Dear Auntie,
I'm in my first year at Uni and a guy I really get on with wants to take me out to dinner. I have told him I'm not sure, because, you've guessed it he is not a Jain. I'm not sure if my parents would mind or not, but maybe it would be easier to try and find someone from the Jain community. Help!
Anxious in Antwerp (age 19)
Auntie says:
Many young people face the question you just asked. It requires examination at different levels.
One needs to put a great deal of time and thought into the two events you talk about: going on a first date and choosing a life partner. From where I stand, you are a bit young to be selecting a life partner now. At this time, getting to know boys as friends, without the emotional baggage would
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be a wise decision. Also, you want to know the 'real' person in his natural setting, sans the artificial fluff of trying to impress each other during a date! I would highly recommend getting to know people and making friends, a process that will allow you to mature also.
Now let us look at it on another level. Why do parents seem to be insisting on Jain life partners? Religion is a big part of the culture and in general, immigrant parents are trying to preserve their identity by making sure that their children marry within the community. This, in the past had ensured the preservation and perpetuation of the culture and identity. This need intensifies when people migrate.
Kids, trying to forge their own way into the world with distinct identities, have different ways of doing this. Young people want to be in sync with their friends and the larger culture around them. There seems to be no middle ground between the two generations, so how can they coexist?
It is very possible for this to happen.. If done correctly, the parents can broaden their horizons and the youngsters can strengthen their roots. How is this possible, you may ask? Communication, communication, communication! There is no way around free and open lines of communication. Both parties need to be able to express themselves in a civil and respectful manner. The parents need to respect the child's realities while the child needs to respect parental experience and wisdom. Keep in mind that this does not happen overnight.
It will take time and effort from both parties to make this work. You may be talking to your parents already. If not, start setting aside a chunk of time every week that you can spend together - no TV, phones etc., go for a walk, play a card or board game, work in the garden, anything like that. This will ease you both into spending time together without sparring. As this calmness evolves, you will be able to talk about issues small and big smoothly!
Everybody has problems. Not everybody wants to talk about their problems with the people around them. It may even be that it is these very people adding to your problems. Our Agony Aunt is standing by to guide you through life's difficulties. If you are confused, troubled, or just want a second opinion, write to us today to get a professional's perspective. All information is confidential and no problem is too big or too small for our Agony Aunt. Please send questions to Jain Spirit Agony Aunt, Suite 3d, Cowdray Office Centre, Cowdray Avenue, Colchester, Essex, CO1 1QB, ENGLAND. Alternatively, you can e-mail: youtheditor@jainspirit.org
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