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Autobiography of Gnani Purursh
Then when I investigated this, I could see my pride in everything I did and this was the very thing that agitated me all along. And what wouldn't I do for some respect and importance! People used to address me as 'Ambalalbhai' and I had become accustomed to being called this way and because I had tremendous pride, I would protect that pride also. But sometimes a person may not be able to say all the six syllables of 'Ambalalbhai' or if someone was in a hurry and did not say the name in full and just said' 'Ambalal', is it a crime? How can one say such a mouthful in a hurry?
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Questioner: But you expected them to, did you not? Dadashri: Oh yes! I would then start weighing things in my mind: 'He called me Ambalal. Who does he think he is? Can he not address me as Ambalalbhai?' I owned some land in the village but nothing much else to speak of and yet so much arrogance? 'I an Amin of the six elite villages of Vakadavada'. Do we not have Desais of Vankdavada? They too are very conceited.
If by some chance someone did not address me as 'Ambalalbhai', I would not be able to sleep at night. I would be agitated the whole nightlong. Just imagine! What was I going to gain from this? What sweet pleasure was I going to get out of it? Can you imagine what kinds of self-interest people have? There is absolutely no joy in such self-interest and yet even then I had this fixation in my mind and that too because of societal influence. People put me on a pedestal and they believed me to be very important! Of what use to me are other people's impressions of me?
It is like this. When these cows and buffalos look at you for a while and then wag their ears, does that mean that you
Autobiography of Gnani Purursh
have to believe they are showing respect towards you? That is exactly how everything is around you. We may believe in our mind that people are looking upon us with admiration and awe but in reality everyone is caught up in his or her own turmoil. These poor people are caught up in their own worries, each and evry one of them. Do you think they have time for you?
Ego That Gave Pleasure Became Painful
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People around me looked upon me as being a very kind and successful man. My business of contracts was successful; wealth flowed back and forth to me. To them I was a very caring man who showered love upon everyone. They even considered me God like and thought of me as someone who was extremely happy. And yet I constantly worried; there was no end to my worries. One day my worries would not cease and I could not fall asleep at night. I then sat down, took all my worries, wrapped them up in a package, uttered a few mantras, and stuck it between my two pillows and went to sleep. I fell asleep soundly. The next morning I took the package and dropped it into the Vishwamitri River in Baroda. After that my worries became considerably less but when I acquired Gnan I saw and knew the whole world.
Questioner: But were you not aware of your ego even thought you did not have Gnan?
Dadashri: Yes I had that awareness. I also knew that it was my ego, but I liked and nurtured it. It wasn't until it started troubling me so much that I realized that it was a foe and not a friend and that there was no pleasure in it.
Questioner: When did you start feeling the ego was your enemy?
