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Spiritual Oblivion And Spiritual Awareness : A Confusion of Utopias
CLARE ROSENFIELD (Brahmi)
Since my childhood days when my grandfather died and it was all hushed up and not talked about, death has colored my thoughts. A cautious child by nature or by conditioning, I was best known for saying "No" to most new ventures. And if some opportunity came my way, I always had to take time to think about it and prepare for it. My mind hardly ever gave me permission to let the spontaneous me spring forth. Except, of course, when I was surprised, jolted, off guard, or unaware. Then, too often, instead of joy and candor, a quick hand-tethe-trigger reaction would emerge in tears, argument, fear or sharp words. Fight or flight mechanisms worked more efficiently in me than the intrinsic peaceful and poetic nature which lay dormant underneath.
When I began to observe mood swings in myself while living in Thailand, I felt dissatisfied with my life and myself. I thought the grass must be greener somewhere else, but I didn't know where. Then I heard about meditation. It sounded like the permanent solution to unhappiness. The Buddha taught-uproot desires, observe changing phenomena, and realize your ultimate dissolution, and you will get off the wheel of birth and death. I spent a month at a Thai woman's house meditating under her guidance. She was kind enough to let me stay there so that I could be free from home responsibilities.
I watched thoughts arise and pass away along with my breaths, itches, body motions and postures. I became so adept at watching that the awarenesses changed more quickly than my mind could follow. It became unbearable. Sensations, fears, paranoid tendencies, mental distortions all became more intense though brief. At last I was convinced that this was it. I was going to die. Let me get it over with. I lay down on my bed and stopped trying to keep up with the changing mental objects. My mind spinned off into oblivion. I let myself,
I thought of as myself, die. I went into an altered state. When I emerged, I recalled nothing, except that I felt a lot of peace. I laughed aloud. The worst was over. So, was that all ? Why had I been afraid ?
I made the decision that day to end my retreat and go home to my patient and worried husband. He had seen me go from A to Z and
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