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18
Journey into Jainism
CONDO
Days, months and years rolled on. Bhavadeva and Bhaavadeva busied themselves in meditation and penance. They rambled from town to town to deliver their sermons to awaken the people. Now, as Bhavadeva muni grew old, Bhaavadeva, still in the prime of his life, quite often changed his mind.
For instance, he would think, “What a fool I was to get involved in this affair! I am not certain that this way of sadhana, remaining hungry, wandering from place to place, is entirely the right way to achieve the desired end." Then he would counteract this by thinking, “I am on this path of my own accord. I should walk the path I choose and do my utmost to fulfil my expectations.” In weighing the pros and cons of his situation in life, the attraction toward monkhood diminished and the allurement for worldly objects became ever eminent. He again wanted to be a householder and husband. But then he thought, "My elder brother and his old age! I should not leave him thus!?' Though still a monk, Bhaavadeva was now inclined toward the household. He consoled himself that, “When Bhavadeva muni breathes his last I can change my course as I see fit.”
Bhavadeva muni, wrinkled from old age and penance, adopted santhaara, and faced death like a brave one. Bhaavadeva was now unbridled, as no one could now prevent him from following the wrong path. Happily he proceeded toward his village, entertaining felicitous ideas in his mind along the way. Then, however, darker thoughts began clouding his brain, “If my mother is alive, she will not allow me to live with my family that I had
