Second Edition

Author(s): Udayvallabhvijay
Publisher: Pragna Prabodh Parivar
Catalog link: https://jainqq.org/explore/007025/1

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Second Edition -Panyas Udayvallabhvijay 7500

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The TREE truely epitomizes parents' Deep rooted affection, Evergreen approach and Sheltering appearance.

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Clean Heart Humming Lips Ionnocent Mind Learning Eyes Divine Look

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Second Edition - Panyas Udayvallabhvijay Published by: Pragna Prabodh Parivar C/o. Shree Samkit Yuvak Mandal Ravikunj, Ground Floor, Daulat Nagar Road No. 7, Borivali (East), Mumbai-400 066. Tel. : 3252 2509

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Second Edition A Round Map for Effective Parenting 1st Edition : 2013 Price : 50/ Available at: * Shree Samkit Yuvak Mandal Ravikunj, Ground Floor, Daulat Nagar Road No. 7, Borivali (East), Mumbai-400 066. Tel. : 3252 2509 Ketanbhai D. Sangoi 1/12, Vaibhav Apartment, Shreyas Cinema Lane, Sanghani Estate, L.B.S. Marg, Ghatkopar (E), Mumbai-86. Mobile : 9224640070 Milanbhai Anand Trade Link Pvt. Ltd., 401, Span Trade Centre, Opp. Kochrab Ashram, Paldi, Ahmedabad-380 006. Mobile : 9375035000 Navbharat Sahitya Mandir Opp. Fathasa ni Pole, Gandhi Road, Ahmedabad. Tel. : 2213 9253 Shashibhai Arihant Cuttlery Store, Behind Amba Chowk, Bhavnagar-364 001. Mobile : 9825105528 * Printed By : Shubhay Mobile : 9820530299

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Foreword Some-times schools have very meaningful names like 'Sanskar Jyot' (Character Illumination) 'Vidya Mandir' (Temple of Knowledge) and so on. There is an 'Experimental' High School in Surat. A school in Bhavnagar city is called Gharshala (Home-School). The intention behind naming the school as Gharshala is to make you feel like you have stepped into a homely environment. Home itself is a school where you feel that you have learnt something when you step out into the world. HomeSchool means it is as homely as a home while also being a school. This word may still not convey the entire meaning as intended because home is one such University, where an erudite is not affected by the pollution in the external environment, when he steps out into the outside world. Today this University has become a little weak. Education of the new generation has become a pressing need of the hour. There have been some attempts in this direction. I have accumulated old principles, present environment, contextual knowledge from the scriptures, scientific reasonings and beliefs of psychologists in my book and attempted to present them as a panacea to the present need of a balanced education.

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Revered Acharya Shri Muktivallabhsuriji has graciously done an indepth review of my presentation. His contribution through his constructive thoughts on character-building in the embryo stage has been entwined here. I believe that the value of this book has been greatly enhanced by such beneficial inclusion. The ever helping hand of Panyas Hridayvallabhvijay, my younger brother is as always unforgettable. The entire material was initially written and published in my mother tongue in 2006 namely 'Gharshala'. Now comes the English version. My attempt to present a blue print for a bright tomorrow would be greatly vindicated if this book helps you to fulfill your duties, maintain your peace of mind and be a foundation to your progress in life. While my intention has been to help the parents and guardians, my frequent reference to them is natural as they are the ones who can help me in my endeavors. I hope the readers will also bear that in mind. I seek your pardon from the bottom of my heart if I have written anything against the scriptures. - Panyas Udayvallabhvijay

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IN GRATITUDE Flowing across the two shores of Love and Affection has been my upbringing. In the fountain of my child-hood The persons who have harvested Plenty of time and Sowed the Seeds of Character- Building With loving care and attention Are Like the Gardeners of My Life, My Beloved and Revered Father Pujya Gurudev shri Meghvallabhvijayji And My Loving and Beloved Mother Revered Sadhviji Nirvaanprabhashriji. To repay them is Just Impossible, Yet, In Gratitude I offer this small flower At the holy feet of the Gardeners ........ -Udayvallabhvijay

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INDEX No. Chapter Page No. Embellishment : Human's Monopoly Seed, Earth And Environment Season Of Nurturing Upbringing In The Embryo Stage : Science Of Conception of Child Prodigy Evaporation of Emotional Support Father : Tense, Busy And Rosy Discipline : Protecting Personality Control Has To Be Kept Under Control Wealth worth Given As Legacy Child: After All A Child ! Missing ! Upbringing Speaks For Itself Child Upbringing : A Jewel Of Family Culture 14. Family Insurance

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w EMBELLISHMENT : HUMAN'S MONOPOLY Action and Art are two different words and do not connote the same meaning. . There is a qualitative difference between the two words Action and Art. When a specific form or system combines with action, gives a beauty to the action, the action becomes an art form. Everyone is connected with Action but Art is not found everywhere. Action does not require much effort but to attain talent in an art form requires abundant effort and continuous learning. There is a difference between regular breathing and Pranayam. Sleeping and lying down in Shavasan are two entirely different actions. We know the difference between prancing and dancing. Both involve the movement of arms and legs, but while one is just action, the other is a yogic art form. Speaking is a form of action whereas delivering a speech is an art form. Scribbling is a form of action whereas writing is an art form. mm Second Edition

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There is a difference between squiggling and modern art. The difference between heaping and arranging is akin to the difference between a pile and a neatly arranged display. There is a difference between stopping a car and parking a car. There is a huge difference between an animal and a human-being, although both of them are living beings: The difference in the number of hands and legs or presence of horns and tails is merely an external physiological difference. The internal differences are due to the various special gifts given to human beings. Animals are competent of mere actions whereas human-beings can be artistic as well. The art of embellishment is a blessing given to mankind. Animals have a body while humans have a figure. Animals have a face whereas humans have features. Animals have hair but no hairstyle. Animals have life but they don't understand fashion. There is going to be a difference in the same activity performed by an animal and a human-being. When an animal takes a bath, he just plunges himself in the water and nothing else whereas a human bath has a touch of an art. An animal feeds itself whereas a human-being relishes a dish. There are different sounds by which each animal is related like a dog barks, a cow moos, a wild animal growls, a donkey brays, a horse whines and the peacock screams. Animals do have a special sound language, but they do not have a language of words. The human-being has developed the science of sound through language. A human being sometimes speaks, sometimes mutters, sometimes growls, sometimes gives a speech and at times sings a song as well. Animals are recognized by specific sounds but do not know Second Edition

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any specific language. Language and it's translation is unique to humans only. By lending the magic touch of it's art of embellishing, humans have modified the art of speaking. Animals are recognized by sounds whereas humans have given specific words to those sounds. Animals have sound but no words. Alphabets are non-existent in the twitter of birds. Humans have the alphabet. They have developed the science of language on the strength of the alphabet and alongside he developed the art of writing and reading. This helped him to become a writer, a poet, a bard, a learned master, an orator or part of an audience, or a student or a graduate. Since then he never stopped and continued with the magic of language embellishing. He developed the skills ranging from type-writing, type setting, correspondence to conferencing and from printing to computer operating and net-surfing. This embellishment persists in all his acts. While walking, running and jumping is same for both humans and animals, yet humans have a lot of variety in these acts. Humans sometimes walk, sometimes run, sometimes go bungee jumping and sometimes go jogging or skating. No bird can perform a kathak dance nor can any animal perform a bharat natyam dance. A monkey jumps but man has the games of both high jump as well as long jump. There is motion in jumping but there is a method of motion when you play games. Animals can run, but they don't know how to play the games of pakkaddav, running after fellow participants and catching them, or langadi, running on one foot. Animals know how to hide but don't know how to play the game of hide and seek. Animals have strength but kabbadi is only a man's game. Second Edition

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By developing the act of walking, man has developed various skills related to walking like running, dancing and playing. Transportation, created by humans is also a big embellishment of an act of motion. Humans have developed such modes of transport that he may be running even while he is sitting and he may be flying, although he may be sleeping. The act of taking food is common to all living beings. But through the act of transformation, man has retained his level of supremacy here too. Animals don't transform food before eating. Whatever and in whichever form they get constitutes their food. Animals don't have any Gujarati, Punjabi, Chinese or Bengali dish. Man never eats wheat or rice directly. The shirt which a man wears is not merely a costume but a symbol of his successful journey from fabric to fashion. Shirts and trousers never grow in farms. Man creates them through his act of embellishing and therefore, no other living being except humans, are found wearing clothes. Agarden merely gives flowers but a bouquet or a garland is man's creation. We can get fruits from an orchard but not juice or sugar syrup. Cows and buffaloes give milk not rabdi or dudhpaak. Man boils and ferments milk and makes dozens of dishes from them. Excepting humans, no living being can make curd, buttermilk or ghee on their own. In the animal kingdom there are no pickles, spices or boxes of masalas. At various phases of his life, man transforms several things and utilizes them to meet his requirements. A house is a transformation of mud. Furniture is transformation of wood, utensils are a transformation of metal, chappatis are a transformation of wheat, soft drinks are a transformation of m u n Second Edition Second Edition

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water, shirts are a transformation of cotton and rag is the ultimate utility and transformation of a shirt once again. The seventy-two arts of men and sixty-four arts of women are famous in Jain scriptures. Every such art form is a conversion of some thing or some system. Thus, the above are various instances of conversions and transformations by humans. Mentality plays a very important role while implementing all these forms of transformations. All jobs cannot be accomplished by the same mentality. Sometimes you have to be stern, sometimes you have to be soft, sometimes you have to be patient and sometimes you have to be swift to seize an opportunity. While harvesting a crop in the farm you cannot be patient, you can't make haste after mixing culture in milk for fermentation, while grinding chillies you cannot be slow, and while moulding a pot the potter has to use a soft hand. By his act of embellishment and transformation man has attained unprecedented material success that cannot be achieved by animals. When an animal is thirsty, he has to go to the pond, whereas man has used his technical prowess to bring the pond to his home, knowing its utility. There is a major difference between the animal kingdom and human beings. Acts of manufacturing, processing, printing, finishing and furnishings do not form part of an animal's list of activities. The system of raw material and finished goods exists only with humans. The lives of animals are governed by nature while man understands the laws of nature and extracts.benefits from nature also. This very act of transformation gives man a unique identity in the entire universal kingdom. Second Edition Seconditio

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Today a major portion of man's embellishment and transformation skills are utilized in the area of material and worldly pleasures. He spends billions of dollars and millions of hours to extract the energy hidden in an atom. If this energy is channelized in the spiritual space, then he can realize the immense potential that is hidden in his soul. If man directs his energy for transformation on the spiritual path, he can awaken and realize the sparkling soul within. If this energy is directed towards those who are dependent on him, he can help enhance their purity and realize their true potential. The holy Madalsa's lullaby loaded with character transformation wealth is famous : Shuddhosi, Buddhosi, Niranjanosi, Sansarmaya-parivarjitosi ! A person inhaling spirituality will surely have a bright future. A person who has attained birth in a good family, embarked on the journey to attain the infinite must seize this golden opportunity to attain maximum advantage. It is the responsibility of the parents to provide their children with the right opportunities, give them emotional support, encouragement, enough love and attention to help them develop a good character. Parents who fulfill these responsibilities help to nurture an ideal child, an honest citizen, a loving relative and a virtuous citizen. The silken rope of the future emperor's cradle is in your hand. The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world. 6 *** Second Edition

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SEED, EARTH AND ENVIRONMENT Once a gentleman's son turned out to be contemptible. His relatives inquired thus of Jain Acharya Shri Bhuvanbhanusurishwarji "a mango tree gives mangoes and a babool, Acacia Arabia tree gives babool, then why did this honourable man's son turn out to be so dishonourable ?" The Revered Saint gave a very witty reply. He said "from that same mango tree you also get stale leaves and from that same babool tree you also get good gum and wood for cleaning teeth - isn't it? A lotus grows in the same pond where insects and germs breed. Hence there is no law that an off-shoot of good has to be good". Then our Learned Guruji clarified further thus : 'in reality a mango produced by a mango tree is actually a same product of that tree. Similarly here the father was a human-being and the son is also born as a human-being. Hence there Second Edition

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is a similarity to that extent. The difference seen here is on account of the virtues and vices which are related to the soul. The son's soul and the virtues and vices related to his soul are not produced from the father's soul or body and hence the question of similarity between the two does not exist. The character is carried forward from the past life and the circumstances of the present life give shape to the existing virtues and vices. Hence in a nutshell, the son's personality is a sum total of his character of the past life and character developed through the circumstances of his present life. His character is carried forward from his past life and he gets the circumstances here in the present life. This data is fixed. A fertile seed has the potential to become a huge tree with thick branches and leaves. To reach that potential it needs two things: soil and a gardener. Fertile soil and a skilled gardener will help the seed to realize its potential to become a huge tree. In the same manner, each child has a lot of hidden potential. A noble family and right training can help to create brilliance from a small child. Where a life will take birth is determined to a great extent by his own karma. But the circumstances available to him and his own efforts play a pivotal role to determine the situation created thereafter. Thus three determinants that are key to the development of each person's destiny are : * Past Karma and Character * Present Circumstances * His own efforts 8 Second Edition

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From these three key determinants, the one which is most powerful will prevail. Some-times the power of the past karmas and character may be stronger and may side-line the present circumstances and efforts. Some-times present circumstances are powerful enough to enable the current efforts to overcome the bad karmas of the past. Thus all the three determinants of a man's destiny are important and it is necessary to understand the same correctly. Past Karmas and Character : Everyone knows the significance of memory chips in mobile technology. We know the significance of the CD in computer technology. In the same manner, character that is developed through past thoughts and actions follows the soul like a shadow in it's present life. You may construe the effect of past character development on present life as equivalent to the importance of carryforward balances in accounts. A child's age may be less but his life spark is developed by the past karmas that led to the development of his character and the opportunities available here determine his direction and mental and spiritual levels. Karl Yung has considered this to be a very important point. Karl Gustav Yung is a very famous name in the field of psychology. He was a student of Sigmond Froid, who was akin to the father of psychology but due to differences in ideologies, Young had separated out from Sigmond within a few years of their association. However Young's beliefs were not so popular as they were formulated on the basis of religious beliefs and mystical stories of different countries. Several antiquated skills were visible in his theories. Hence the westerners considered him less of a psychologist and more of a philosopher and a mystique. Second Edition mo

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Let us remember a point made by Yung. He said that if you feel that a new born child does not have a brain or rather his brain is completely blank, absolutely empty, like a blank slate and just as you can arrange flowers of your choice in a flower-vase, you can fill a child's mind with whatever you wish, you are mistaken. Young says that a child's brain has all the aspirations when he is born. He is only not aware, but his aspirations are existent. Everything will be evoked upon getting the right circumstances. Jain Darshan firmly believes that each living being like the infinite soul is not blank when he takes birth. He brings along with him good and bad karmas developed through past actions. Of these some karmas are active, some are destroyed, some become more powerful, some become insignificant and some remain dormant. These karmas become active due to the effect of the environment available to him in the present life. Circumstances : Man's thoughts are greatly influenced by the environment. It is natural to think of sweets when you pass by a sweet shop. The moment you see a shopping mall, your thoughts flow in that direction. A film poster also gives rise to a thought and God's picture also shapes your thoughts. Thus, there is a direct link between your thought and your environment. Thought precedes action and the environment is a prelude to thought. Parents can create highly conducive circumstances that are beneficial to their children. The straight-forwardness and spontaneity of children forms the platform for their transformation. During childhood all past karmas are not active and hence it is easy to foster good values in children at this stage. At this stage they willingly Second Edition

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accept all circumstances whole-heartedly. A child's thought process and vision are as fluid as water. There is a good rhyme for water in Hindi: Water! hi water! What is thy colour ? Just mix in it, that becomes my colour ! An alert parent has to see the impact of toys given during child-hood and games played with them, on children's psyche and development. Two things have a very great impact on a child's psyche : 1. Literature given to them through books and magazines and company of other kids. 2. Television serials and images and internet. Especially in the present context, you have to ensure that the print and broad-casting media do not create a negative impact on their psyche. Parents need to think of the impact of obscene literature and colourful news-paper supplements with equally obscene images on their child's psychology. Indecent literature will only lower the humanitarian stature of children and do no good except bringing their downfall. Reports of culprits involved with rape and other cases in America have stated that "86% of the culprits were addicted to obscene literature and most of them had admitted that the desire to emulate the scenes mentioned in such obscene books was the major motive behind committing such heinous crimes" Today children learn more from television than from their parents and friends. In the first fifteen years of his life, Second Edition 11

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each child would have seen atleast 15000 hours of television programs. In these episodes he would have seen atleast 15000 murders, an even greater no. of attacks, thousands of rape incidents and lakhs of indecent acts. Which parent would be able to bear to see their child emulating a minimum of only 1% of any of these acts ? The innocent child psyche is bombarded a thousand times with television advertisements claiming that aerated drinks bring fun into life ! Eating Maggi is fashionable. Smoking cigarettes is prestigious. Tobacco adds spice to your life. Not to be left out, the daily soap operas have avowed to display all the remaining vices. On the pretext of showing a good family life, these worthless serial stories which run into numerous episodes instead create an absolutely negative impact and boldly show illegal and indecent relationships. While the government or media may not think of the impact these serials will have on the child's and teenager's mind, shouldn't the parents of these children also not think of it's impact ? Dear Parents! Don't forget that your children's stature and ideals are directly lifted from these silver screens. The impact of these images is so profound that the poor child becomes what he had never intended to ( yet the actual criminals are never punished). Those parents who wish to imbibe virtues in their children should take this matter very seriously ( in fact, this is a warning ). Garbage In - Garbage Out ! This is a famous principle in the computer field and is equally applicable to the upbringing of a child. The output is the same as the inputs that he is fed with. m n Second Edition Second Edition

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Every human-being who is born on this earth has old scrap that he is born with and has a new opportunity to change his future. Everything is dependent on the environment available to him. In view of the above, the parents have a very determinant role to play in the lives of their children. What can you get from milk? Before checking this possibility, we need to see what can be mixed with milk. If water is added to milk you get a herbal drink, by adding culture for fermentation you get curd, four drops of essence added to milk gives a delicious drink and addition of two drops of acid can lead the milk which had all the possibilities listed above, to get contaminated. Efforts : The habits of the past life join us in the present life. After getting a conducive family environment also, a successful character building experiment is dependent on a key determinant which is waiting to be tapped, and that is your child's own self-efforts. A mother can make chapattis, feed the same, but she cannot move the child's teeth. That effort has to be made by the child himself. Thus, three determinants combine together to fill the plate of ingredients which help to keep the flame of character building burn. Here it is the responsibility of parents to give an environment which helps in character building. If in the initial years, proper attention is not paid and character building has not been done, it is said very often in such families that "children have got spoilt on growing up, they were so well behaved when kids". It happens very often in those families which get influenced by material pleasures and fail to provide an environment where good habits are cultivated. No one person is responsible for this topsy-turvy situation. It Second Edition

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appears that the weakness of the attention to character building in the initial years, the child's age, his mental makeup and the polluted environment, synchronize together to result in the negative situation. The rising sun heralds the onset of a new day and the birth of a child sets the stage for the rise of a new tomorrow. The new generation can be compared with the rising sun. The rain falls on this earth thanks to the heat generated by the sun. The crops that grow on this earth also benefit from the sun's rays. Sun helps plants to develop vitamins and gives vitamins to man. The ultimate source of plenty of light and heat is the Sun ! All living beings today and tomorrow are dependent on the sun. There cannot be any alternative to the Sun. The English word for Suraj is Sun. The words Sun and Son have different meanings but are pronounced in the same manner. Sun means suraj and son means child. Sun is the enemy of darkness, misdeeds and lethargy. The rising sun spreads light. It helps to release lethargy and gives a new vigour in men's body. So, by all means sun means, in the effective presence of which thieves, lustful persons and base minded people are set on a silent mode. Let on the ground of similar pronunciability, son match the sun ! immmmmm Second Edition

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mmmm SEASON OF NURTURING "Do you wish to say anything ?" asked the judge before pronouncing the judgement. 'Yes', replied the thief "I wish that my parents are also sent to the jail with me". "Any reason ? " questioned the judge with utter surprise. "Very solid reason" answered the thief. "During my childhood I robbed some-one of a pencil from school and brought it home. My parents never reproached me, then. Once I brought home a compass box containing a penset. I was patted on my back, then. Some-time I would rob my neighbors of their belongings. They kept their eyes shut, then. A couple of times I stole from my relatives as well. Internally they were happy then also. Thereafter I became habituated to rob. Revered Judge ! I am not a thief. Robbing is not my habit. It is ingrained into my character and is part of my upbringing. Do you think that those who have given me such an upbringing, who have Second Edition

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fanned my evil deeds can be absolutely innocent ? At a prime age of only six years I had robbed a pencil. At that time it was their responsibility to bring me to my senses. They had the rights and powers and in fact it was their duty as well to do so. Yet, they did not prohibit me from committing such misdeeds, leading me to continue with my crimes. Hence it is my request that they should also be punished. Though the law has its limitations, these words that echoed from the deep recesses of the heart contained less of self-defense and more of a steaming anger for those who could have helped prevent such crimes. Encouragement is the purpose of motion. We prefix the word gati, (motion) with the words 'pra' or 'adho' depending on the direction of the motion. What the children should do in future is possibly determined by the parents in advance. The parents should always keep this possibility in mind and encourage the children accordingly. "See Dad! He is already gone !" proclaims a child while playing with electronic games and destroying a car. "How smart !" says the father patting his child's back. Can the father predict how fatal this smartness can prove in the future ? "Look mom ! I defeated the alien. I killed him !" "Very good !" replies the mom to her child showing his strength by clenching his fists and chattering his teeth. Does the mother know the probable out-come of the encouragement given to such playfully committed heinous actions of her child ? Once Russian philosopher Leo Tolstoy was shown a slab of iron and asked "what could be it's possible value ?" "Depends" he replied. "If you manufacture a nail from it, you gain something ; if you manufacture an expensive spare-part, you gain more and if you merely give it away as scrap, you 16 Second Edition

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will gain nothing or gain very little from it. Higher profits for superior quality output !" This theory which is applicable to a slab of iron can be equally stretched and extended to your beloved child. In the eagerness to label their toddler as a bright child or a whiz kid from child-hood, the parents themselves overlook their child's bright future. Today's toddlers who play games on mobiles and computers which their parents have never seen in their entire lives also, are extra smart. Compared to electronic gadgets, toys operated with keys seem like rubbish to them. Teddy-bears, Barbie dolls and stacks of colorful small cars seem out-dated to them. Today's generation is so intelligent that if you inquire of them about games like langadi (playing catch on one foot), lakhoti (playing with marbles), santa kukdi (hide-n-seek), amli pipali and moi dandi, and such rural games, they will immediately check on the internet and come back with the relevant information. When two and a half year old Ruchit takes a remote control in his hand and quickly flips through various channels and stops only when he gets his favourite cartoon channel that he wanted to see, his parents take immense pride in his child's capability. This proves costly when after a decade, at late night when everyone has fallen asleep, this same Ruchit takes a remote in his hands and flips through various channels while sleeping in his bed. When three year old Mihir takes a mobile phone in his hand and talks on the mobile, his parents are very proud of him. However they are pained when they suspect that this same Mihir when studying for his SSC exams has stored porno clippings and other offensive material in his cell. Second Edition 17

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When a small child of a respectable family at a young age hears and learns some indecent word and utters the same, he is immediately reprimanded and given strict instructions not to speak such indecent words. We really like this. Though what a small child says is not so significant and he himself doesn't know what he speaks, yet the reason to reproach him is only one. What if he acquires the bad habit ?" This simple logic should be applied everywhere. " An action that can probably prove fatal to a child when he grows up, may not be fatal when he is a toddler, yet it is fatal and needs to be nipped in the bud. Reason: "what if he acquires that bad habit which continues, after growing up?" When a grown up teenage daughter wears some indecent western outfits, elders of some respectable families may surely be pained. But when this same daughter was a kid, who inspired her to wear such mini dresses? Probably in her childhood it was not indecent and yet it was not good. Reason: "what if she acquires that bad habit which continues after growing up?" If the parents don't want their children to do something when they grow up, they should be smart enough to keep their children away from all such negativities from their early childhood. Especially in these times, when children mature at a very young age, it is imminent for parents to exercise such caution. By giving nutritious food, the body's immunity system becomes so strong that a change of season or regular viruses don't have a negative effect on the child's health. Same thing has to be understood in the context of a child's psyche. Good thoughts are like nutritious food for the brain. Those parents who have inculcated very high sense of values in their children when young, which help them to resist the virus like attacks Second Edition 18

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of repulsive options and unpleasant company are less afraid of their children going hay-wire when they grow up. Dates eaten in winter sustain us throughout the year. Child-hood is the winter of life. In the winter season the digestive juices are extremely active and hence whatever you eat would get digested. But today the winter of their life is over faster and the parents have not been able to spend enough quality time with their children which can lead to sustenance of morals and values. It is doubtful whether they spend even half an hour in a whole week in engaging their children in meaningful dialogue. Childhood days are the days of grasping more knowledge. The majority of the words that we know are learned in the age group of 3 to 6 years. Most of the programming of what they will do as grown-ups is all determined between their age of 36 years. As he grows older he seeks logic in everything that he does. It is now your duty to explain everything logically to them. The time period of 3 to 6 years is the age of grasping without any confusion. At this age, the child is more obedient and this makes the effort of instilling good values more fruitful. A farmer who has lost the opportunity to sow the seeds has to abandon the hope of harvesting a good crop. The parents have to be vigilant towards the child's proper upbringing like the farmer. The greenery that you see in the farm is not only due to the accurate planting of seeds. Critical evaluation also has a major role to play. In this context parents have to take many defensive and creative steps. To achieve the same parents have to inculcate hawk-like and crow-like tendencies as described below : Hawk-like Tendency: The hawk which flies high in the sky has a very sharp eye-sight. It can see a piece of flesh Second Edition 19

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lying thousands of feet on the ground, from the sky. It swoops down at a tremendous speed, picks up the prey and again flies away. There is a focus in its vision and swiftness in its flight. You should oversee your child's activities like the hawk. This is not an act of spying, arising out of suspicion. This is only a way of caring for the child's physical, mental and spiritual well-being. A new trend of teaching children at home instead of sending them to schools has caught up in the west with great vigour, as parents suspect, that children misbehave the moment they are out of sight. Approximately more than 10 lakh such kids are studying through this home-school mode of learning. Because of this new wave, the children are more attached to their family. Besides it is noted that they are protected from the evil effects of getting addicted to cigarettes, drugs and several such vices. Till day people are generally used to look after food items like papad and vadi laid on the terrace tops for dehydrating by the sun's heat, then why can't they look after the activities of their children? Children should not be allowed to use television remote, mobile, computer internet and other gadgets unless extremely necessary or make very limited use of such gadgets. Parents should take great care to ensure that their children do not learn anything that is inapt, from their friends and neighbors. Children should not get addicted to daily news-paper supplements with vulgar pictures and articles, obscene books and magazines. You have to watch with a hawk-like attitude that in speech, behavior, dress or in any sphere of social activity, if the child crosses the limits of accepted social behavior, you have to swoop like the hawk and rectify the misdeed before it becomes a habit. 20 Second Edition

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Crow-like Tendency : Though black in complexion, the crow is endowed with unimaginably good characteristics. The reckless nightingale lays eggs and flies away. The grateful crow incubates those eggs. By remaining alert towards their children's upbringing, instilling high sense of values and helping build good character and taking all such creative steps is behaving like a crow. To achieve this end, you should employ the following two effective techniques : Directing thought processes through story-telling : A child by temperament is fond of stories. Every day you should spare some time to narrate a new, small story extolling virtuousness and righteousness. Alongwith that, you can highlight the moral of the story in a few and simple words. To achieve this end, parents need to become good story-tellers. If the story is loaded with moral values, appropriate for children and the narration is such that the child can digest it, then the result is extremely beneficial. This style of upbringing will be recognized as moulding thought processes through story-telling. The person telling the story is not merely telling a story. Through the medium of the story, you are feeding the child with a new thought that is concrete and loaded with high sense of values. By repeatedly narrating the story of the Aaranyakaand of Ramayana, Mother Jijabai helped her ordinary son to become a valiant Maharaja Chhatrapati Shivaji, who protected the country from the invasion of the mughals. Just continue this programme of story-telling for two years and you will be able to instill the seeds of many such high characteristics as truth, kindness, compassion, leadership, gratitude, generosity, integrity, courage, respect, right Second Edition in z Second Edition i

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judgement and so on. This is effective child vaccination. It's benefits are life-long. Enlightenment through an ideal example : Alongwith a form of story-telling you can try this also. You can inspire your child by narrating a praise-worthy act of a child from your known circle or extol the virtues of such a child. We will call this method as enlightening through example. Here parents gain the twin advantages of the peculiarity of a child's psychology : 1. A child is extremely enthusiastic to emulate another of his own age. 2. A child is very eager to accept that which is presented as eulogizing pride, valour, ideal or praise-worthy. Today's media takes complete advantage of this child psychology to help their clients off-load their products. Hence we can use the effectiveness of this strategy as a perfect solution for nurturing a child's character. Through the mode of story-telling or enlightening through an idyllic example, you can serve a valuable thought or help him develop the ability to discriminate between the right and wrong offered to him. The emulation of that example decides the direction for the child. This way you should seize the opportunity to program the bright future of your child. You may have to spend just 15-20 mins everyday using the above strategies. Here more than time, continuity is more important. Those parents who spend twenty minutes with their kids daily probably will not have to spend sleepless nights in the later years. *** 22 Second Edition

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UPBRINGING IN THE EMBRYO STAGE : SCIENCE OF CONCEPTION OF CHILD PRODIGY Shri Kalpasutra is an extremely holy Jain Aagam, Scripture. Various aspects of Bhagwan Mahavir's unique life has been portrayed in this scripture. We come across a beautiful statement made therein from the specific paragraphs describing the birth of Bhagwan. Great men like Tirthankaras, Chakravartis, Baldevas and Vasudevas are always born in very virtuous families. * They are never born in lowly families. * They are never born in poor families. * They are never born in dishonourable families. * The soil which yields a high quality harvest also has to be of top quality. A real Second Edition 23

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diamond is precious and hence is never embedded in an aluminium ring. Gourmet dishes are never served in broken plates. An immoral and weak person generally never finds a seat on the throne of a kingdom. In the same manner, noble people are always born in righteous families. Chakravartis, Vasudevas and Baldevas occupy the highest position amongst kings. They are the kings of kings. Tirthankaras occupy the highest position amongst the spiritual leaders. They come with special punya, merit attained due to unprecedented austerities performed in their past lives. Therefore, they will always take birth in a worthy family. Hence we can safely conclude that : A family in which are ingrained the virtues of restraint and honour. A family which respects good virtues, values and ethics. A child who takes birth in such a family can never be extremely poor. We can easily comprehend that the status of a person who can buy a flat of one crore, furniture and interiors worth twenty-five lakhs and a car worth fifteen lakhs, can never be low. The intellectual level of a student who gets admission in a medical college on merit can never be low. Hence we can safely conclude that a person who is born in a virtuous family has to be extremely meritorious. He has encashed the check of great merit accumulated in the past and taken birth in such a family. Before encashing so much merit, he would have earned the same in his past lives, by doing countless good deeds and accumulated a string of good virtues. Somewhere in his past life, his breath stopped while pursuing these noble acts. You should not forget that Second Edition

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he has taken birth in this world to complete those unfulfilled tasks. Any batsman who has scored 184 runs on the first day would wish to increase his individual score and take the innings ahead on the second day. Hence which batsman would not wish that his score which could not be fulfilled on the previous day should find vent in full form on the second day. In the same manner, a child who has taken birth in a virtuous family must have been a spiritual soul in his past life. Here I would like to append the following meaningful shloka from Bhagwad Gita : "Suchinaam, shrimataam, gehe yogbhrashtobhijayate A lady who has conceived a child in her womb and is endowed now with the honourable title of a would-be mother would be certain that : The soul that has been conceptualized in her womb is not an ordinary living-being. He is unique.... He would not be fond of material life. He would be a spiritual soul.... He cannot be a lowly soul but should be like a lost mendicant. He has not come here to live a life akin to a can of worms, fit to be discarded in the garbage can. He has not taken birth to earn a few crores or to be buried in the battle of life. He has taken birth to become a worthwhile and illustrious personality and to live a magnificent and pure life, fit to be a tribute to man-kind. This child is a raw-material for the creation of another... * Hemchandra Acharya or Haribhadra Acharya .... mas Second Edition 25

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but, * King Kumarpaal, King Shripaal or Minister Vastupaal... *Wealthy and generous like Jagdushaa or Bhaamashaa... * Emperor Vikram or Saint Vivekanand * Noble women like Sulsa or Revati souls. .... ..... He is a pure soul who is out on his journey to unite. with the infinite. He is not just a living being with flesh and bones but, He is a very high calibre of a virtuous human-being. He is not just a wandering romeo in the space of life He is not merely a living-being who has taken birth only to kill time, but He is an exemplar who can be an icon to many other 26 The scale of happiness of this fortunate mother whose womb has been adorned by such a great soul would be extremely high. Alongwith that she would also be conscious as a mother-to-be, who is responsible for her child's upbringing. The upbringing of a child is not an act that is as easy and simple as filling a bucket with water and then pouring it over into a pot. Upbringing is a special act of devotion and parents who fulfill this responsibility precisely, can fittingly be called devotees. This soul which is conceived in her womb is born with high capabilities and great possibilities of progress. It is the onerous responsibility of the parents to enhance the capabilities of their child and help him to realize his dreams and achieve the progress that he is destined to make. Second Edition

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Amongst them, the responsibility of the mother is higher. The best period for fulfilling the strenuous task of a child's character development is the time he spends in his mother's womb. The embryo stage is the stage when there is a lot of physical attachment between the mother and the child. This proximity and attachment makes the whole job very easy and successful. The genetic scientists in the west have now concluded based on their intense research that there is a direct link between the child in the mother's womb and the mother's physical and mental health. When the child's entire existence and personality is a part of the existence and personality of the mother, she can exert whatever influence she wishes, on her child. When every act of the mother impacts the child, she can use the talent and insight of a potter, on her dough of mud and create the shape and form that she wishes. Along with the natural growth of the child, when the divine chemicals of right upbringing are added, the mother's womb becomes a precious designer spot where a valuable and priceless jewel is being crafted. Every pregnant lady should never let off the contents of the third and fourth chapter of the holy scripture Kalpa Sutra, where a detailed account is rendered, of how the care was taken by queen mother Trishala when she was pregnant with Bhagwan Mahavir. The mother who follows the iconic example cited above, and looks after her womb, protects it and imparts moral education to her child, does a great favour, not only to the child who is yet to be born, but probably the whole family, the society at large, her nation and the whole world. Second Edition 27

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No other institution in this world is better than the education that can be imparted while being in the mother's womb. The lessons learnt here are ingrained in every drop of blood and every particle of the bones and flesh of the child, like the designs ensconced in the patolas of Patan in Gujarat. "Like the King are the subjects". The simile in this statement can be ascribed equally and meaningfully to the relationship between the mother and her child. The child in the womb mirrors the mother's behavior, dialogue delivery, thoughts, introspection, analysis and all her acts and feelings very clearly and beautifully. The child is the cynosure of every thought and every act of the mother. If the attention that is paid to physical actions like standing up and sitting down, sleeping and walking, is paid to other spheres as well, then there would be no deficiency in the child's upbringing. Restraint while consuming food : Restraint while consuming food is the first challenge for the upbringing and growth of the child. Excess of any flavor is not permitted while taking any meal. The following also should not be consumed : * Excessively spicy food. * Excessively sour or salty food. * Excessively bitter food. * Excessively sweet food. * Excessively hot food. * Excessively cold food. * Excessively oily food. * Excessively dry food. mmmmmmmSeco Second Edition

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Healthy connection during embryo stage : Plain vegetarian food is the preferred diet during the nine months of pregnancy even in the advanced nations of Europe and the USA. They also firmly believe that the sphere of the impact of food and habits of a pregnant lady stretches from the child's body to his temperament. Non-vegetarian and peppery and spicy food makes a child non-compassionate and inhuman. He is much less virtuous. The genes of children of pregnant ladies, who continue to smoke cigarettes and drink wine during pregnancy, are so severely affected that they are certain to get specific diseases related to these vices. In short, during pregnancy, ice-cream, aerated drinks, ready-made and cheap food-stuffs, food and drinks that are prohibited by our religion and nutritionists should not be consumed. It is very necessary that simple rules and regulations governing good health and food are strictly followed. The mother's eating habits have a strong and deep impact on the child's physical, mental and intellectual development. The mother should take meals in a happy state of mind, and a pleasant and loving environment, where family values are upheld. Before taking meals she should chant the holy navkar mantra thrice and her whole being should be filled with the thought "my child should progress, should do well and should be fortunate". Restraint on the Senses : Like restraint on food, is important the restraint on the five senses. Second Edition 29

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The mother's activities have a direct impact on the child in the womb. The word "inborn understanding" is derived from the values grasped by the child in the womb. A mother who wishes to remain alert about her yet to be born child's upbringing should bear in mind that virtues can be imbibed by the child in her womb. She should : * Be extremely well behaved and well dressed: * Stay away from an offensive environment, bad behavior, arguments, loud music and obnoxious books. * Not use excessive make-up and cosmetics. * Stay away from unhealthy food and a discouraging environment. Not over exert herself and also not be lazy and lethargic. Not wake up late in the morning and sleep late at night. The time tested above dictum was considered outdated uptil such traditional directive was confirmed and updated by modern research. Then we are willing to accept it as if it is weighed under the weights and measures act. Roger Humphrey, a scientist of Belfast used to play different types of musical notes and test it's impact on the embryo with the help of scientific instruments. According to his research, soft and classical music has a beneficial effect on the child, whereas pop and disco music with fast beat makes children more anxious, hasty, outwardly oriented and tense. * * When a pregnant lady watches serials showing tussles in the family, deception and fraud, offensive material or crime for long hours, her child is immediately negatively affected, through her hormones. She should bear this in mind. It is often found that a lady who spends hours playing cards while 30 Second Edition

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being pregnant bears a child that gambles and has a craze for playing cards. Restraint on Speech : * Do not get angry or indulge in fights. * Do not indulge in gossip or criticism. * Do not be obstinate regarding any issue. * Do not speak any bad words or beyond limits, even by mistake. * Don't raise your voice. * Don't speak, in excessive loud voice. * Do not speak too much. * Do not lie. * Do not mock, taunt or insult anyone. * Do not feel offended or stop talking. Restraint on thoughts : * Don't harbour an aversion or hatred for anyone. * Don't do any evil wishing for anyone mentally also. * Especially stay away from the evil thoughts of selfishness and jealousy. * Don't feel bad about anything. * Stay away from worries, anxiety, anger and over excitement. * Don't visualize anything negative or offensive. * Be careful to stay away from weak and evil thoughts. * Stay away from any occasions that can give rise to such thoughts. * Don't harbour evil or conspiring thoughts. Second Edition 31

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* Be extremely straight-forward. What are the activities that a pregnant lady should undertake ? During pregnancy the mother should undertake all activities bearing in mind the grasping power of the child. Today's modern science also accepts the existence of the grasping power of the child in the mother's womb. It is a well known and true fact that the valiant Abhimanyu had received the instructions for breaking the chakravyuha while he was still in his mother's womb. Babubhai Kadiwala's name is very famous and wellknown in the Jain community. The extremely holy and eternal navkar mantra and nav Nav pad (= A group of nine worth worshipping positions) were entwined in his life like his lifebreath. It is worth knowing the reason behind the nav padji forming part of his life. Many people are blessed with inborn qualities and virtues. Babubhai had received the knowledge of Nav Padji while in his mother's womb. His mother, Jaasudben had kept the nine day ayambil fast for nine times i.e. for 81 days while she was pregnant. Alongwith the fast she had performed all the relevant rituals as well, on all the 81 days. The direct impact of all these austerities had kindled a deep love in Babubhai for Nav Padji, even before he was born. Along with that he got the blessings of revered saint Bhadrankarvijayji. What more could one ask for thereafter ? The embryo stage is the best period of a child's upbringing. The embryo stage is a very important period in a child's life. 37mmmmmm mSecond Edition

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You can cautiously plan the entire future of the yet to be born child during this period. A child studying in school attends school regularly for the entire nine months. This nine month's education takes his education level higher. The worship, amity and purity observed during the nine month's pregnancy helps to enhance the character development of the child. The same can be done in the following ways : * Pray to God with true devotion. If possible worship God, perform ang-rachna (beautifying the almighty) and aarti with your own offering. All these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism. Practice kayotsarg (a type of meditation). All these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism of nav padji and chant mantras. Everyday sing stutis all these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism and stavans all these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism in hushed tones. If possible recite all the 9 or atleast 3 or 5 smarans everyday (navkar, bhaktamar and so on). If possible recite the panch sutra and the shatrunjay laghu kalp all these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism everyday. Sing and recite thrice daily devotional prayers like maitri bhavanu all these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism and ariha sharnam. All these are familiar scripts and technical words in Jainism. Donate generously with utmost sincerity to temples and monasteries. min Second Edition 33

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Keep the sad, unhappy, poor souls and your servants happy. Give great respect to elders of the family. Preserve mental happiness. Stay away from those circumstances which cause unhappiness. Fill your mind with lofty feelings of amity, delight, compassion and equanimity. * Keep the company of noble souls. Character-Building through good reading : Read good books covering the lives of tirthankars and valiant men ( trishashthi shalaka purush ), such as Kumarpal Maharaja, Vastupaal, Shripaal, Mayna Sundari, Samprati Maharaja, Pethad Mantri, Jagdushaa, Bhamashaa and so on's glorious live sketches, that are filled with purity and aid in enhancing virtues. If such a beautiful character-building excercise continues throughout the nine months then ..., Goddess of good fortune will come running and bless this fortunate lady with the good fortune of becoming a blessed mother." And, we can say with certainty that the child to be born of such an alert and conscious mother-to-be will be in the days to come like a gem of the globe; a heart-throb of mother soil, an ornament of this universe and a bridal wear for madam earth. It is life's great fortune to be born with a noble character by birth than to be merely born rich. Second Edition 34 Second Edition

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"I am hurt a bit. Blood is flowing from my { wounds. Will you be able to help me ? Please !". "I am unable to focus on my studies. What should I do ?". "Will you be able to narrate a story to me? Any story !". "I want to say something. Will you listen to me ? Please !". EVAPORATION OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT How did you find these dialogues ? Please guage the mental stress behind each dialogue.. In Mumbai city, there is a Helpline 1098 for children between the age group of 10 to 14 years. They dial this Helpline number and ask these questions and seek replies from them. There are three such centers in Mumbai city and every month each centre receives approximately 2500 to 3000 such phone calls. Second Edition 35

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None of the children who call up have any worry about obtaining food or shelter. They don't need medicines or any such thing. Their problems are majorly other than food, clothing and shelter and can be resolved by emotional support, warmth and the experience of their companions. As mentioned by the supporters of Child Helpline, most questions are for seeking advice and sympathy. Very often the child calls up but remains silent out of fear. He does not utter a word even after the supporters coax him repeatedly to narrate his woes. In 1996 the Ministry for Societal Justice had taken the initiative to start the free of cost 24 hours Child Helpline. This initiative was intended to support the children who were harassed, were lost, had run away from their homes or needed some medical support. But today this Child Helpline performs the services of Mummy and Daddy! Whatever I have mentioned here is not a figment of my imagination but it is absolutely true though hard to believe. This Helpline facility is more useful to the elite wealthy class living in the cities. Having professional parents must in all probability. be the reason for the misery of these unfortunate children. When we look at these children we some-times wonder : "Why would a bunch of roses grow in the jungles where there is no one to appreciate them ?" The two biggest social problems of today's times are : 1. kids are not ready to keep their parents with them and 2. parents do not have enough time for their children. In many homes we find that parents live with their children but the life they live is akin to a life led by people in an old age home and many children are born wealthy but the life they live is akin to a life led by kids in an orphanage. 36 Second Edition

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In our country we have enacted a law that does not allow the hire of children to do any laborious work but the law is silent on the issue that the love and warmth received by a middle-class family's child should be available to every child. Again in our country there is a law that every child must get primary education compulsorily but the law is silent on the issue of each child's right to receive love, affection, time and attention for his character building, from his parents. There are many other needs of children other than the basic needs of food, clothes and education and these are not covered by any law. This may be considered to be the limitations of the law or it's helplessness. The country can be governed by the law but not homes. The homes can be governed by the heart and heart alone. The law has arms, legs and eyes, may be intelligence also but the law does not have a heart and the home is ruled by the heart alone. We have seen a lot of greenery while passing by the areas of Dahanu, Golvaad, Valsaad and adjoining areas of South Gujarat and that of Una, Mahuva and surrounding areas of North Gujarat. On both the sides of the roads we have seen huge orchards bearing mango trees loaded with mangoes and coconut trees laden with coconuts and its huge palms. The owners of these orchards, staying far away from the spot, were visiting their plantations only occasionally. The orchards enveloped in greenery, were fully enfolded by shade and encompassed with a gentle breeze where one can hear the delightful chatter of birds. These orchards were privileged with the continuous flow of water, manure and all facilities essential for their growth. But the owners of these orchards seldom came there and often the land-lords staying far away, had a visit barely once a year. Second Edition 37

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These wealthy owners lease out their orchards on an annual contractual basis. They can afford to buy these orchards but they do not have the time or the skills to nurture their orchards. They reap a good harvest in the form of money from these possessions. Such land-lords get their money's worth from these orchards but very less fruits. These mango trees represent so many wealthy children. A person who is capable of hearing the ceaseless mourning cries, amidst the whispers of these wealthy green orphan-like trees of these orchards alone can understand the anguish and pain suffered by these wealthy kids. A person who has worked very hard seeks rest with greater haste than he seeks food. A person who is extremely thirsty yearns for a glass of water and not a plateful of sweets. A true donor is one who understands the needs of the recipients before giving them anything. You cannot become a donor by merely being generous. You must have a good understanding as well. Children have a greater need for listeners than guardians. Plenty of piles of material possessions and all facilities put together pale in comparision with an hour of emotional support provided by the parents. Man does not live because of the wind but by the breath that he inhales. The love and care provided by the parent is equivalent to the breathing exercise of the child. The absence of quality time spent by the parents, suffocates the growth of many children. The ornamental plants at home also need regular watering and nurturing by the owners. The pet dog also needs the time and attention of the owner. Then you cannot expect your child to develop the right emotions unless you have given him the desired amount of time. Many parents have the 38m Second Edition

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time to take their dog for a walk but have no time for their child. In such circumstances we feel sorry for the child who envies the dog. Sometimes you feel like making a bitter statement that a child who is born to such a wealthy father is poorer to none other. Each hour of such a father is so expensive that although the child needs his father's time, he isn't wealthy enough to buy it. The father who monitors closely his staff's profiles and progress, sadly doesn't even know in which standard his child is studying ? How well is he studying ? With whom is he going around ? What does he do ? He doesn't even have the time to oversee his child's progress. You feel compelled to believe that instead of taking birth in their family as a child, he would have received greater attention of his father had he joined his office as a peon. * Such children get a car to roam around, though it cannot reach the nearest location called "Papa". They get a 24 hour maid to look after them but do not get the compassion of their mother. Such children's world of facilities are boundless but their world of love and affection are absolutely hollow. Their only fault is that they have taken birth in a soul-less island called "an extremely wealthy house !" The image of their parents is inscribed on the child's mind. It has a caption "Lost ! Anyone who helps to locate them will be rewarded." Such children are emotionless. Their eyes are always misty. Someone has passed a tart remark for such a family life : " you don't ask me the English translation of nurturing, here even a child's tears are wiped with a tissue paper". We accept that this situation does not exist in every home. But this trend is catching up. Such kind of family life prevails especially in those homes where money and material possessions are given Second Edition

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more importance than sense of values. Today so many children are shifted to absolutely unfamiliar places like Bangalore, Ooty or Dehradun where they undertake their schooling. In the pretext of giving a high level education to their children, the parents may also be possibly intending to stay a little far off and care-free from their daily responsibilities. Residential schools which provide high level of education and the top-most of facilities do not have their mother's loving lap where they can put their head and rest. Such a school may have a Father but not the emotional bonding of their papa and this loss haunts many children. Even though they * may be growing intellectually, mentally they always have the inferiority complex that there is something lacking in them. For such children their home becomes a vacation spot. Children going to their maternal uncle's house has become an old story. Today children go to their mother's homes during their vacation. I really pray that no parents have to go through the misery where they can afford to pay a hefty annual fee worth lakhs, but cannot afford to spare enough time for their precious child. A person who doesn't have money is poor but a person who has nothing else than money is extremely poor. A child's true pram is his parents. Instead, when this pram becomes a huge four wheeler vehicle, then below the heavy wheels of earning material wealth and providing facilities, the poor child's childhood is crushed. Some parents are so keen to enjoy their own marital bliss that instead of finding their child a part and a purpose of their life, they see him as an obstacle to their pleasures. Parents who cannot contain their desire to enjoy late night parties and movies, want to remain child free and homin u m Second Edition Second Edition

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therefore entrust their child to the maids. Often their grandmother also plays the role of a nanny. Some-times four or five such orphans are being looked after by someone as the entire friend-circle is busy at a party. Many parents bring home a wide variety of toys and games for the child, so that the child is so engrossed in them that he does not need to remember his parents at all. The banking system works on a fundamental principle :" You cannot withdraw unless you deposit". Those parents who invest time for their children will be able to get that much time from their children easily when they need. The rest will find it very difficult. Those children who have spent more time with maids and toys during the first 3 - 4 years of their lives, then went to a distant school for their education under a supervisor / guardian, have stayed at a hostel for acquiring their higher education would prefer to stay at a distance from their parents. These children when they are grown-up, find the smallest of instructions from their parents to be a big interference. Some-times when the child comes late or is sad and is inquired about the same by his parents, he immediately comes with a repartee : "Do you know how we have grown-up in these years ? Now it is of no need for you to question. We will manage our problems." And on the other hand the parents feel that : "My son has become very impudent. We did so much for him and he back answers like this ?" A child who has been raised through such a distant learning program will not even prefer to have dinner with his father on the same table. If there is no facility for a separate table, then he will change his time. Despite working in the ma Second Edition

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same office, such a father and son duo would rarely be going to their office in the same car. These great believers of time management don't realize that no time management is better than the father or son waiting for each other for five or more minutes. In the twilight years of their life, the parents suddenly realize that their son always prefers to stay away from them. For him, his business and friends are everything and family is nothing. When they realize this, they try their level best to make their child their own, but without any success because no woman can become a mother after 15 / 20 years of her child's birth. You have to acquire the status of motherhood, nine months before the birth of the child. Those parents who have left their children to servants, facilities and resources and experienced relief, will certainly acquire heirs, but not a son. Houses given on lease can be regained, but not children. Upon seeing a motherly lady's picture on the table of the Late Prime Minister of Britain, Sir Winston Churchill, the visitor remarked : "Your mother looks so beautiful !" Sir Winston Churchill replied :"My mother was far more beautiful than this picture. This picture is that of my maid. My mother had less time and love as compared with her beauty. During my childhood the person who gave me love and affection was my maid and I am never able to forget her". Today's busy parents should deliberate and introspect over Sir Winston's reply and make an attempt to ensure that your picture is confidently kept on your son's table when he grows up. minim Second Edition

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FATHER TENSE, BUSY AND ROSY The following is a true incident which took place some-time ago. When their beloved daughter had come of age, there were discussions in the family regarding her marriage. Upon hearing these discussions; the daughter's spontaneous reply, reproduced below is worth reading : "I have no problem in marrying a person who is not upto the mark in terms of money or looks but dear father, please ensure that his temperament is exactly like yours. You have the intellect to understand a person correctly and also the discipline to correct him when he is wrong. You have given us both, facilities and good values. You have given us a good life. Yet, you have also taught us to stay within our limits. Very few are fortunate enough to get a father like you. Hence, please ensure that you select a person whose temperament matches exactly with yours." What better opinion can a father get from his child about himself than this? Father-hood is an umbrella of warmth, that provides under it's coverage, both protection and maintenance to the Second Edition 43

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children. Every child has a father but the fatherhood of every father is not the same. The coconut tree gives sweet fruits but is not capable of giving the required shade. The banyan tree gives shade but does not bear sweet fruits but the mango tree has the capacity to give both : sweet fruits and shade. Keeping this view in mind, fatherhood can be classified into three types : 1. Tense Father. 2. Busy Father. 3. Rosy Father. Tense Father : A person who is over burdened by work pressure and tensions and has no time to spare nor any sensitivities left in him. He has the good fortune which enables him to earn lakhs of rupees at the click of a finger but perspires heavily to spare even one hour for his child. He does not have the time to give enough attention to his son once a month also. He is more or less ignorant of his child's education, health, temperament and his weaknesses and talents ( that is remained ignorant ). If some-one inquires with such busy fathers of the standard in which their child is studying, they have to ask the child's mother for the answer. From this incident you can gauge the standard of the father's interest in his child. Such a father is described below as : . a person who has no vision for the character development of his child, * a person who has no mind to think about his child's companions and opportunities, * a person who has no ears to hear the unspoken maladies of his child's requirements for his time and affection, * a person who has no emotions to give warmth and love to his child. Such a father is a person who is present yet absent. He Second Edition

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is a busy father, like the moon enveloped by Saturn. Such a father, neither has time for the character development of their children nor. puts any efforts towards the same. There are many such trees on this planet which have neither leaves nor fruits on their branches. Busy Father : A father who is so engrossed in his profession that he just cannot spare time for his children though he wants to. Though he understands the needs of his children, yet, due to paucity of time, he compensates by giving them other material things. Many big investors build big malls and sell the shops or lease them out for earning rentals. In the same manner, they hire maid servants, drivers, teachers and load their children with toys and articles for their entertainment and live under a misleading notion that they have played a satisfactory role in the up-bringing of their children. They give birth to their children and give a party on their birthday. They get them married and settle them in their business and believe that they have fulfilled their duties. They know the direction of their duties but are not able to step in that direction. Their business or profession keeps them continuously engrossed in their work. Such a father cannot leave his computers, calculators, phones and business literature even after returning home from work. Such a father can be called "busy father". Many people have telephone lines but we are never able to get through to them. Their line is forever busy. Rosy Father : The nutrition in the food is due to the ingredients present therein. The completeness of an individual is due to his character. A wonderful father must have the following three attributes : * Time * Love * Discipline Time : To have a child is a father's good fortune. To Second Edition

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spare time for the child is a father's duty. This time only enables to build a bridge of love between the father and son and becomes the reason for their affection. Excercise done for an hour is good for the child's health. An hour spent in tution is good for the child's brain but the power to make him mentally cheerful, elevated and joyous is within the one hour spent by the father with his child. You should not forget the difference between the two issues of giving time lovingly and giving time forcibly. Love: To have time and to have love are two separate issues. There is very little difference between the two words "idle" and "ideal", and yet there is a big difference. The father's personality should be so loving that his child can approach him anytime without any hesitation and be able to question him on any issue without any fear. A Rosy father is one from whom the child seeks advice without faltering and to whom he confesses without any fear, upon making any mistake. A Rosy father is like a benevolent mango tree from which you can get protection in the form of shade as well as sweet mangoes too. Discipline: To be loving as well as to be disciplined are not two opposite traits but are mutually complimentary. God has compassion and the police has discipline. The father must have a combination of both these traits. Many parents are excessively loving. Many parents are excessive disciplinarians. Excess of both these traits can prove to be harmful for the child's development. For the appropriate upbringing of the child, Jain religion has high-lighted these two important character traits which the guardians must have: 1. Bhim Guna. 2. Kant Guna. A trait by which the child behaves well spontaneously, thinks twice before disobeying his parents, has a slight fear Second Edition 46

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about his parents' reaction if he errs, and reacts well if reprimanded or informed. Such a personality is called Bhim Guna. A personality trait by which the dependant is attracted easily to the parents, yearns for their attendance and behaves well even in their absence is called Kant Guna. If we say it differently, if he is captivated and enamoured by his parents as well as has love and affection for them, then they are endowed with Bhim Guna and Kant Guna.. A combination of these two traits makes the dependant powerful and successful. Too much monitoring is called Bhim Guna without any filteration. Such monitoring becomes a heavy steam roller and kills the mental ability of the child and makes him extremely dull and lifeless. Too much pampering is an extravagance of Kant Guna and that tends to take the child sloping towards the valleys of audacity and insolence. The body, mind and child do not deserve to be pampered excessively. Too much pampering makes the body lazy, mind impure and the child impudent. Parents often repent in their later years for having excessively spoilt their child who is born after many years of marriage or a son who is born after the birth of one or more daughters. At such times parents are often reminded of this old saying: "a golden dagger also cannot be hurled into your own stomach !". Hence too much love and too much supervision are both detrimental for a child's proper nurturing. A potter who makes toys from mud cannot give it a proper shape unless he mixes water into it. However by pouring excessive water, he will not be able to sustain the right shape as well. Mixing alone is not enough but it has to be done in the right proportion as well. You can give it a proper shape only if the mixing has taken place in the right proportion. Second Edition 47

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Shree Hemchandracharya has cited the benefits of the right combination in his Vitraag Stotra by giving an apt illustration. Gudo hi kafahetu: Syaat, naagaram pitta karanam / Dwaayatmani na doshosti, gud nagarbhesaje II "Only jaggery can some-times be the cause of cough and only dry ginger powder can some-times be the cause for acidity. However a tablet prepared by mixing jaggery and dry ginger powder gains medicinal value by not only destroying the harmful effects of both the ingredients but also by enhancing their beneficial values. As such this shloka has been cited in Vitraag Stotra to explain the Syaadvaad nature of Jain principles. However this shloka is equally beneficial and apt while explaining the balance of the right combination of love and supervision of children. In the above shloka, if we replace the words jaggery and acidity with the words bhim and kant, the shloka may be : Bhimo hi bhayahetu : Syaat, kaanto hyavagyatagriham | Dwayaatmani na doshosti, bhimkaante ka bheshaje // Those parents who supervise their children's activities excessively as well as those parents who spoil their children excessively, lose control over them as they grow older. But children whose parents have used the right combination of supervision and control become virtuous and well-balanced. Besides, they do not get breathless while climbing the stairs of success and glory. To understand this point well, you must once observe the potter shaping pots with mud on his wheel. Within the pot he caresses but taps the external surface a little harshly. He keeps one hand inside the pot but with the other hand, keeps tapping the pot from outside, while the pot takes shape. mm Second Edition

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If he doesn't tap from outside and simultaneously does not caress with the other hand inside, the shape doesn't come well or there may be a hole in the pot. Though you may see only one hand active from the outside but there is no doubt that it is the combined functioning of both the hands that leads to the creation of the fine pot. In this manner, by giving time, love and discipline the father is able to instill the right sense of values in his children. Tense, busy and rosy - there is not much difference in the physics and biology of each such trait. Yet there can be a vast difference in the chemistry. Just as chickoos from Golvad, oranges from Nagpur, mangoes from Ratnagiri and apples from Kashmir are considered to be the kings among the same fruits grown elsewhere because their chemistry in terms of flavour is superior when compared to similar fruits grown elsewhere. In the same manner, here also fine father means a fine father! To get a fine child it is invariably necessary to learn to be a fine father. If the fathers are very tense, their children tend to be terrors. If the fathers are very busy in their work, their children tend to be lazy and make errors. If the fathers are fine, their children will tend to be super-fine and divine. "A child needs both to be hugged and unhugged. The hug let's him know he is valuable. The unhug let's him know that he is viable. If you are always shoving your child away they will cling to you for love. It you are always holding them closer, they will cling to you for fear." - Polly Berrien Berends Second Edition 49

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50 DISCIPLINE PROTECTING PERSONALITY "Childless couples have lesser mental tension than couples with children". At first sight this statement would evoke a lot of surprise. "Aputtrasya Gatirnasti" i.e. your human birth is worthless if you are childless - this statement is prevalent in our country since ages. In a country where the absence of a child is considered as a curse, my opening statement though radical is worrisome and definitely calls for deliberation. The researchers at Florida University had taken up a research project some years ago where they had studied around 13000 people. While the study cited that couples with children are more likely to have better social relationships than childless couples, it also came up with a surprising observation that couples with children were found to have more depression. According to the research analysts the. couples with children are extremely worried about their children's emotional, social, health Second Edition

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as well as financial issues. These worries generally do not reduce. Small children cause fewer worries and bigger children cause more worries. This is another finding of the research analysts. They said that these worries increase manifold especially when children go out, stay out for longer hours or stay in a hostel. These findings have been published in American Sociological Association's news-letter. It has also mentioned that the upbringing of children is the subject cause of great concern for the parents. How is it possible that a child whose birth is the cause of joyous celebrations, whose birth leads to the distribution of of sweets galore, whose birth brings in a torrent congratulations and whose birth leads to great festivities in the inner nucleus family and the greater joint family can also be the cause of great mental anxiety to his parents? How can a child who is supposed to be the emotional and financial support of the parents in their old age, provide the spark for their anxiety? How can a child who is considered to be the support of the future, become the challenge of the future? How can your own child, your own progeny challenge you? A country where the upbringing of children is not considered significant, where there is no medicine of discipline and the shield of societal protection is non-existent, witnesses the above sorrowful scenario. For India too, this may be a harbinger of trends to come. The social structure of any country rests on two main pillars: 1. Traditions and culture. 2. Present legal structure. Second Edition 51

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The family structure also does not exist in the material focused countries of the West. The prime reason for the same is the increased freedom given to the word freedom in their culture and legal structure. A free culture which spoils all the habits of a child exists in the US. Moreover such a culture is shielded by an equally free legal structure. A child who has barely reached a tender age of 2 - 3 years old gets entitled to a separate room. Such a family may not buy a one room kitchen flat. They have to make a provision for a separate room for a child as they give great importance to privacy in a person's life. If the father has courage, he should try an experiment to act tough with the child. Within a few moments, there is the possibility of a police van arriving and warning the father in no uncertain terms to behave decently with the child. Pity the country and pity the child where for such a small matter, the child can go to his room, dial the police and exercise his right to get his father behind bars. If by being a little strict with the child, the father has broken the law related to the child's rights. Don't the parents dutybound to discipline their children have some rights ? By giving more significance to the freedom of the child, haven't we over-looked the rights of the parents ? In reality, it is not merely the right of the father to discipline his child but his moral duty also. In childhood and teenage, it is possible that the child may fall victim to some bad habit in the absence of a good understanding and the limitations of his experience and maturity. In such a state if the child does not understand though explained enough, who is responsible to become a little strict but free the child from the vices he is trapped in ? We don't deny that the child has his own life, but at the same Second Edition

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time we shouldn't forget that someone shoulder's the responsibility for shaping the child's future also. A very good word is used to describe the parents in English : "Guardian". Guardian means "he who safeguards". What can be more important for a guardian than nurturing a child's life? The word 'discipline' has today lost the significance of its meaning and the word freedom has acquired a new obsession. If every driver on the road formulates his own rules as per his whims and fancy, nobody is safe on the roads, not even the driver himself. The risks and dangers associated with freedom with lack of proper systems should be understood while the freedom that comes alongwith discipline should be appreciated and hence nurtured. - Experts of moral knowledge, acknowledge the discipline of bad behavior as freedom. There is a nice statement echoing this sentiment : Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling the desire. On whose support does the kite fly in the sky ? It flies high only with the support of the string. A fleeting look at the sky may just make you feel that this string is hampering it's flight, but once you release the string just see what happens to the kite. However high the kite flies, its security lies in remaining connected with the string. Discipline has to be understood in this manner. It does not hamper growth but helps to sustain growth and makes it secure. The wire mesh metal cage like fence surrounding the tree is not it's bondage but its security. The fence should not be so closely entangled with the tree that the growth of the tree is curtailed, but at the same time it should not be so far also such that the tree grows in any haphazard manner. Discipline in this way provides protection to a human being. Second Edition 53

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The new generation's mental wave-length appears to be different. Today after six decades of independence, there is again a new wave of independence. There were a wave of movements prior to attaining our independence in 1947. Today again there is a new wave of independence. The new generation's thought processes are becoming more blunt and upfront. The role of family serials on television channels is becoming more destructive. These serials are slowly leading the psyche of the new generations towards violence which can confront disciplinary legal structures. "In the name of discipline our freedom is being snatched away from us and all decisions are imposed on us without our consent. We are to design our life on our own. Why should we accept anyone's interference ?" The new generation has begun to harbour such vicious thoughts. The result of these violent thought processes seem to be coming at such rapid speeds that we believe that the new generation is becoming very insolent and audacious. They are not afraid of anyone. The school teachers are scared of the principal, the principal is scared of the management board and the management has to listen to the parents in case anything goes wrong. The parents are afraid of their own children but the children are not afraid of anyone. They are absolutely fearless, bold and wear an attitude of "who cares?". These children have not been able to comprehend the difference between discipline and bondage. If any dress code is implemented in the college, the students form a union and get into a vindicative mood of 'dikha denge' and start shouting derogatory slogans. The issue being only that 'how can anyone else decide what we should wear'! The food that can be consumed by a patient is 54 Second Edition

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prescribed by the doctor. Such regulation does not amount to infringement on the patient's freedom to eat. Such a simple thing that cannot be accepted by the new generation is considered to be a sad limitation of their wisdom. If there is any cancellation of some indecent Day celebration also, to prevent the occurrence of uncalled for harmful and disruptive events, there is a huge uproar from the student community, as if we have put some limitations on their freedom. Which cultured society can permit freedom which smacks of actions which completely lack respect and moral behavior ? We understand that discipline should not be excessive. We are not talking of discipline with two extremes, where on the one end is excessive authority, and on the other end is complete domination. In reality that is not even discipline. But that discipline which leads to a true and beautiful creation, which is protective, nourishing and which can be exhibited, such discipline is inevitable everywhere, always and for everyone.. Today's educated section of people are also spreading a new trend. "You should not try very hard to control this new generation. Now times have changed. As per the changing times, every individual should be given freedom and leisure time". Accepted, but this is the diagnosis, not the solution. Just because the patient finds the medicine bitter, it cannot be eliminated from his prescribed course. Just like each individual has a body, the society also has a form, it also has health, it also has many diseases and there are many medicines for this body. From punishment to other big and small disciplinary penalties, there are many such formulas to maintain the good health of the society. Second Edition Second Edition 55 55

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When a teenage son remains outside the house till late in the night, it is the parent's duty to question him and it is the child's duty to support the parents. What is wrong if the parents ask for an account from their teenage children who spend a four digit amount per week ? Can a mother not rebuke her daughter who gets questionable messages continuously on her mobile ? It is seldom found that parents are orthodox. In fact, it is the new generation that strives to access freedom in excess. Under the guise of the backwardness of the elders of the family, the harbingers of change in the society are trying to justify more freedom to the youth and it is a fact that this issue is worrisome. There should be happiness in life but excessive pleasure which becomes an obsession is not in reality pleasure but a kind of indecency, if the difference between pleasure and limits is wiped off. The society will remain clean only if the elders are alert to the fact that crime does not become rampant in the name of pleasure. Recently the change agents of society in the US have given a new analogy by way of caution. The gist of that analogy is like this : "In the case of those parents who believe in giving their children more freedom and information than their age, their children adopt illegal and incorrect means of living. These parents feel that they are pleasing their children but in reality they are killing their children". Many parents utter these stylish dialogues : "our children's happiness is uppermost for us and if they remain happy then we are not concerned with what they do". This is a way of escapism for the parents whose prime duty is to ensure that their children are on the right track. A mother does not serve food which the child likes to eat but which uni n gan dition 56 Second Edition

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disagrees with his digestive system. When a mother who gives more importance to a child's preferences over his health, refrains from reprimanding his child when he seeks illicit pleasures, commits a social crime. This is not generosity but inconsideration and negligence. By this attitude of parental negligence at an early age, as impudence of the children increases, some-times the tracks of crime are laid wide open. It is very difficult to close these gaps at a later age. If the legal frame-work can keep a check on crime then can't the discipline laid down by family and society add more teeth to it? We need to diagnose the reasons behind the increasing crime rates among teenagers and also find a solution to the problem. Then only will we understand the need for discipline in today's times. In this context social expert Edgar Hover's statement is very correct and timely. He says "if discipline is practiced in every home, juvenile delinquency would be reduced by 95%." What a nice statement ! Global effect through local medicine ! If every house becomes a virtual temple where the religion of discipline is practiced with great devotion, then there is a strong possibility of teenage crime level coming down by 95%. The statement by Edgar Hover mentioned above is a cure-all statement. In fact, it points a finger towards the root cause also. Moreover implementation of this statement gives an assurance of a clean and healthy society. "New generation is just not ready to listen !" This statement echoing with disappointment is quite out of place. The personality and far sightedness of the new generation is phenomenal. The new generation can be explained the significance of discipline, through proper guidance. Discipline and regulation can be described as important aspects of Second Edition 57

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personality development and prescribed and marketed as a good medicine to the patient. Marketing, obviously can increase the demand. The need is to make discipline a status symbol. Discipline is a medicine and a high dose or over-dose of any medicine can have a negative side-effect too. Excessive or over discipline can give birth to opposition or create repulsion. We should also ensure that the child has the straight-forwardness and the capability to accept discipline. Every batsman understands the meaning of the word "crease". Every driver understands the need of a brake in the car and a signal on the road. The new generation has to survive in the new world order, where only intellect will not help. A shield of high sense of values and ethical behavior are inevitable for sustenance and the new generation has to understand this. The familiar example of girafee makes this point more understandable. Mother giraffe gives birth to baby giraffe while in a standing position. Suddenly the child falls on the hard ground and remains there. After that it is worth seeing the mother giraffe's actions. She goes behind the child and kicks the child harshly. Being kicked, the child immediately gets up but because of weakness again falls to the ground. Mother giraffe again positions herself behind the child and kicks him. Till the time the child doesn't get up, the mother keeps on kicking the child. This is not the cruelty of the mother but her way of training her child. . Here kicking is not a crude and animal-like but human behavior. Mother giraffe has the experience of the jungle environment. If the child does not learn to walk or run with it's own feet there is every possibility of it falling prey to the min Second Edition

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wild animals of the forest. This is the concern that is portrayed in the mother's compassionate nature. When you find that virtues have begun to disappear from the planet earth forever; when the companionship formed in college is likely to ruin your son's life; when too much freedom is likely to spoil the character of your daughter and when the inclination towards mobile or internet is proving to be a little too dangerous, it is time to wake up. If the protectors of the family ignore these danger signals and turn a deaf ear to them now also, they are committing the crime of emotional murder of their own children and the future generations. With great compassion we would like to tell the youth of today, that if you want to be like a perfectly sculpted piece of sculpture, please learn to accept the constant hammering of the sculptors. Please learn to accept the disciplinary and limits setting persuasive nature of your parents like the kick therapy style of mother giraffe. It is not due to suspicion but due to deep love, that some-one is monitoring your every action minutely. To get such special attention is not a nuisance in the life of a child, but his great good fortune. Discipline is a tough expression of love of the parents and family members towards their children. Second Edition 59

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CONTROL HAS TO BE KEPT UNDER CONTROL "So fortunate is this tree that this beautiful creeper is entwined with its trunk !". "No, no, truly fortunate is this creeper which has got the support of this strong and magnificent tree with its many branches and leaves". "Yet, don't you think that the beauty of the tree is greatly enhanced because of the creeper entwined to its trunk ?" "Yes! It definitely does ! And this creeper also looks beautiful because it has entangled itself to this majestic tree !" Shri Ram and Sitaji were engaged in the above dialogue. Both of them were expressing their opinion upon seeing a majestic tree being entwined by a beautiful green creeper, during their exile period, while resting at a lush green verdant spot in the forests. Finally, Shri Ram left it upon his brother Laxmanji to give his verdict. Shri Ram concluded : "he is impartial, let him decide". 60 Second Edition

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Laxmanji had understood the emotions of both Shri Ram and Sitaji, yet he led the argument in an entirely different direction : "neither is this tree fortunate nor is the creeper". He paused and then added "fortunate are those who can enjoy the cool shade of this majestic tree !" Shri Ram and Sitaji looked at each other's face in utter bewilderment. Laxmanji laughed and explained the subtle meaning of his reply. He explained "neither is Shri Ram so fortunate nor is Mother Sitaji The real fortunate person is Mother Sumitra's son, who is being reared under the tutelage of both of you". Laxmanji's reply clearly resounds with the pride that he felt in getting the protection, which only a truly fortunate one could have got. Today, how many children can give such an opinion, about the benevolent protection they have received from their guardians ? Today most of the children have a negative opinion in their minds about their parents. The dear parents who have once christened their children, have been given nick names by them. Some children have renamed their mother as "Lady Hitler" or "Hunterwali" while some call their father "Osama" or "Saddam". This name is silently uttered either in the child's mind or openly outside their home and hence the parents are unaware of the nick names they bear. Besides, the parents are not able to accept that they have been given such names because of their own such behavior. You feel sorry for this new generation, who have disregard for their own well wishing parents but also feel like guiding the parents who are responsible for their child's upbringing. They should ensure that their children do not think of them mm Second Edition 61

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as anyone else excepting as parents. Very often their overlooking of their child's small mistakes also reflects a kind of love and care for them. . An attitude of abhorrence by parents from child-hood, humiliation at the smallest event, continuous habit of reprimanding, creates a negative mentality towards the parents in the child's mind. A negative mentality is a mental state that is like a closed signal on the railway tracks. The only difference is that this signal at the railway tracks stops all trains whereas this mental signal stops the entry of only some individuals. Many parents use their hands also alongwith their tongues. Then this signal becomes more stubborn. In their opinion, violence is the easiest available mode of making the children behave. Owing to the limitations of age and maturity, it is possible that children will obey at that point of time but parents should not attach much significance to such shortterm result oriented ways. The relationship between two generations is not merely an agreement of 2-5 years. By the use of strength and violence you can get temporary results as required. Permanent impact is the testimony of a true relationship. Healthy relationships are based on a healthy mentality. By using violence and beating children, the foundation of a relationship is likely to waiver. A hurt mentality is like a boil on the body. Just as even a simple touch becomes unbearable, thereafter such children dislike even simple instructions given by their parents. A child making a mistake is an event. By using violence that event becomes a tragedy. There are many ways to Second Edition 62

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discipline children and the use of violence cannot be a way out. Violence is a sure shot way of leading your children towards obstinacy. Children do not improve with the use of violence, they become more angry. They tend to become more violent and aggressive. In sum, instead of improving, they become more obsessed to fulfill their desires. In reality, violence is a peculiar medicine which does not have any beneficial impact, but definitely has a long-term detrimental impact. A child who is beaten again and again, loses his confidence in the long-run and becomes dull and livid. An interesting research has revealed an extra-ordinary finding : "children who have been subjected to a lot of violence lose their enthusiasm to move ahead in their life and very often take up lowly paid jobs". Many parents instead of reprimanding the child lightly at the right time and explaining to him lovingly, how his bad habit has the possibility of hurting his progress, make an effort to thrust this point in his mind by the use of slap therapy to produce immediate results. Such parents do not have patience and people who lose their patience always suffer greater losses. For an approval to the laid principle I would like to present a not so old incident that occurred in the life of a family in Gujarat. The telephone bell rang in the morning. The head of the family was sitting in the drawing room only. But he called his daughter-in-law, who was cooking in the kitchen, to attend to the phone. The house-wife who was cooking, came to attend to the phone with the sansi, cooking tongs in her hands. During the conversation she needed to Second Edition

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write a phone number and needed a pen. She shouted out to her son who gave a pen but it was not working properly and at the other end the caller was calling out the number rapidly. Hence the mother angrily asked the son to keep the pen back. The son also made some argument and the mother lost her temper. She threw the tongs at her son and his nose broke. Do we call this a house ....? Where a pen doesn't work and tongs fly! What a small issue and what a big loss ......? Now go for some analysis : This loss could have been prevented, If.... The head of the family sitting in the drawing room would not have called the daughter-in-law and instead made the efforts to take the call himself, There would have been a pen and paper near the phone itself, The mother had attempted to understand that the son had given a pen as soon as he was asked for it how is he to blame if the pen doesn't work ? The guy who was calling out the number had tried to understand the difficulty of the lady attending to the call, The son would have checked the pen and given to his mother, The son would have understood the mother's circumstances and given another pen or * If some other member of the house had come forward and noted down the numbers. There were so many options which could have been implemented but remained hanging in the air between ifs and buts and the tong was released causing so much damage. Why? Because patience was lost ! C Second Edition

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The sculptors of the children's character themselves also have to fine tune their behavior. Sometimes the doctor's eye may also be weak. The least that parents should do to improve is to make a note of the events when they have hit their children and analyze the same. 1. Why did they hit their children? 2. Was the cause just or unjust for a child? 3. Weren't we doing the same things as children? 4. Had we given any instructions to them in this connection or not? 5. Was there any other option to punish or reprimand the child? 6. At that time was it the child's fault or were you upset with some-one else and transferred your anger on your child? The clouds gather at one place and burst at another place and that happens in families also. Sometimes the anger that is built up in office is released at home and sometimes the anger that is built up in the kitchen is released elsewhere. When we read the tongs example cited above, we realize that their was a disruption to the daughter-in-law's activity in the kitchen and when that was disturbed she lost her temper leading to a disastrous result. Today most counselors and psychiatrists have the following advice for the parents who come complaining about their children : * Be more patient and * Reduce your expectations Use of violence with the child is an illustration of taking advantage of the child's physical weakness. Sometimes the Second Edition 65

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2. child also does not know why he has been so severely punished. We have come across many such incidents. 1. One lady used to beat up her child whenever she taught him and this was her daily routine: The side effect of this was the child became extremely quiet and dumb and they had to consult a psychiatrist. A deep investigation led the psychiatrist to conclude that the child's father used to go abroad often for business purposes and stay there. He used to come home only for name-sake. She used to miss him a lot and get upset. This pent up anger was released on the poor child. Despite beating up the child every-day, yet not finding any improvement in the child's behavior, a counselor was consulted. Upon investigating, the reasons for the mother's bad behavior came to light and left the investigators speechless. She was suffering from inferiority complex owing to constant comparision with her sister-in-law in terms of make-up, clothes, money and so on. The negative effect of this was released on the poor child. Once a lady had an argument with her mother-in-law in the morning about some domestic issue. The husband also interfered and unfortunately sided with the mother. This angered the lady even more. The husband picked up his brief-case and then left for his office. Coincidentally at that time her son stepped in froin school and started playing. The lady lost her temper and poured her anger on the poor child. Her son was confused but could not comprehend why his mother was so upset with him. Just as in payment, there are proxies in punishment Second Edition

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too, which the elders are not able to contain and the kids are not able to comprehend. Parents should understand when the children don't have the ability to understand the circumstances of the house or of the members of the house, and behave accordingly. If parents and elders of the family do not behave with enough maturity, who else will ? A heart touching incident which occurred abroad some years ago might serve a lot here. Once a father beat up his young daughter mercilessly. Her only fault was that she used one sheet of golden paper to make some craft item from the papers he had brought home to sell. The father was very upset because of his debts, recession and financial difficulties, so much so that he had lost the patience to listen to whatever his little daughter was trying to say. She went off to sleep while still crying. Next day morning she had forgotten about the spanking received the previous night and went up smilingly to her father with a golden box in her hands and swollen eyes. Pappa! Happy Birthday -today is your birthday! Choked with emotions, her father accepted the box. He opened it and found it to be empty. "Why?" he quizzed. The daughter replied: "you had scolded me so much last night that I lost the courage to fill it up. But ..but..yet it is filled up. Pappa please watch it closely. The whole box is completely filled till the brim. I have kissed the box many times and given it to you. It is completely filled with my love - so much so that it can never become empty !" Now it was the father's turn to weep. He could visualize the incident of the previous night in his mind. He was very Second Edition 67

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unhappy with his haste and thoughtlessness and was very penitent with his own bad behavior. "I am very sorry!" he apologized and hugged his daughter. Tragedy further overtook them when the loving daughter was killed in an accident a few months later. The father was left with only two things. A life full of repentance and a box filled with love! Now the father would always keep that box next to his pillow while going off to bed. Read this example twice and then see if you can ever raise your hand on your child. There is a difference between beating and breathing a child. 68 BE SITUATIONAL, NOT SENSATIONAL When children are at their worst and seem to give you the most griet, they are absolutely the most difficult ever to handle, you feel like screaming or giving up and the hardest to ever love at. That point, is exactly when children need your warmth very most. The most effective way to respond them who least deserve love is to give them exactly what they need the most. That's your unconditional warmth. Love and praying for them when you feel it is the most impossible to do so is the very time they need it the most. It's like they are screaming out in their souls I'm hurting...I'm confused about life and I can't handle all of this that is called life. So I will take it out on you, the Parent. Be Patient, handle with care and excell your situtational quality. Second Edition

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inin WEALTH WORTH GIVEN AS LEGACY umum. Irish poet Moore had been invited for giving a lecture at a gathering. The lecture was very effective. After the function was over Moore was about to board his vehicle when one of his opponents interjected. "Your father used to sell just salt and pepper, then how did you learn to talk so well ?" Moore understood the sarcasm behind the statement but replied calmly without reflecting any adverse emotion : " your father was a gentleman and how come you are like this ....?" From Moore's statement you can gauge his ability to reply spontaneously and remain unaffected by any negative incidents. Apart from that his spontaneity reflects a lesson from the science of heredity. The virtues and vices of the elders are also passed on in heredity. What is passed on in heredity is not only diseases and habits but also talents, special traits and deficiencies. m ag Second Edition

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The video is considered to be a more powerful medium than the audio. Visuals are more effective than verbal communication. A person learns much more, and much more rapidly through the visual medium of instruction, than he learns through the audio mode of instruction. This is very true for children because the grasping power of children is of very high frequency. If the son gets embroiled in some vices as soon as he reaches adulthood, most likely there could be one of these two causes : 1. bad company and / or 2. family. Sometimes his addicted friends teach him to drink and sometimes his addicted father teaches him to smoke and spit. The father who smokes, eats opium, tobacco and gutka does not only spoil his own life but also that of his child. The father who asks his son to get a packet of Gold Flake cigarettes, ignites his son's bright future alongwith igniting the cigarette. No child should get debt, illness and vice in inheritance. . Like vices, the way of talking also comes through heredity. More than half the words spoken by children are picked up at home. All that is spoken at home right from arguments to curses is all grasped by the CD'S called children. Recording is instant in these CD'S and dubbing is very difficult. Do people forget the family to which they belong to while using expletives in the house ? Though only humanbeings stay in the house why do we hear verbal addresses to "dogs" and "donkeys"? While admonishing the servant, the owner of the house forgets the fact that the future owner of the house is hearing all this and imbibing the same. People while addressing the aged one's as "buddho" or "dosi" should think whether they would like being addressed as such when they grow old ? 70 Second Edition

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While fighting with the neighbour, the parents do not realize that the coaching of the words used and the entire spirit of the arguments is being provided to some-one else unknowingly. When the husband and wife are fighting, using obscene language and making allegations at each other, they don't realize what they are giving to their heirs. By using words which are not found in any dictionary, by using many obscene words invented by them and forming part of their personal dictionary, some people not only inflict untold harassment on others, but also cause undue harm to their own children, which is not visible. If the child cannot speak that is his misfortune but it is a great tragedy if the parents fail to teach their children to speak in respectful and sweet language. Many things related to daily life are learnt by the children at home. Suddenly someone calls and the father instructs his child to inform the caller : "pappa is not at home", if he does not want to take the phone. Momentarily the father may be mighty pleased with himself, by thinking that he has taught his child to reply. In reality, he has taught the child to tell a lie. For his petty benefit, if the father only ingrains * wrong values which will have an adverse impact on his child's future, where can the child learn correct sense of values ? The maximum reflection in a child's life is of the parents because they are continuously in touch with their way of living, speech and way of working. Once a traveler who was on a long journey spent a night sleeping below a tree. He woke up in the morning but was not feeling fresh. His joints had become stiff and he had difficulty in walking. He located a doctor practicing in ayurvedic medicines, in a nearby village and explained his Second Edition 71

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illness. The doctor heard the symptoms from him and pronounced his diagnosis. "The tree under which you spent the night should be a tamarind tree. The sourness from its roots though below the ground, has caused this negative effect and hence your joints have become stiff". Here you can clearly see the effect the boarding place has on the boarder. Example is better than Precept. You should not forget that example is far more effective than instruction. It's easy to teach through words. It's difficult to preach through behaviour. Lessons of virtue taught by the father are less effective. What is more effective is the father's behavior with his own father. Instead of giving sermons on honesty and integrity, it is more effective to illustrate the same in daily life. When parents, who teach their children values of virtuous living, conduct themselves in a manner which is contrary to their sermons, how effective can be their advise? A life well led speaks volumes as compared to the spoken words. The dialogue between the parents and their behavior with each other has a deep effect on the child. When the child is small, the indulgence of parents in terms of speech and actions has a derogatory effect on the child. Parents should consider the presence of the child as the presence of a father-in-law ! Like pleasures, squabbles also have a negative effect on the child. The quarrels and arguments are the proximate, immediate and very effective cause of making the child lifeless and dull. The house is a place for inculcating high sense of values and not a battle-field. When this issue is turned on its head, the child's sense of values are also turned upside down. 72 Second Edition

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Seeing the father's continuous aggression, the child quietly begins to symapthise with the mother. Some-times the child develops an apathy for the mother, who unleashes her volley of expletives on the poor father, who faces the same like a helpless batsman. In some houses where many such allrounders have come together, you can imagine the plight of the poor child only by being a child ! Once a small girl gave her brother a velan, (rolling pin) and told him that let's fight like our parents and the show started. Such incidents reveal the civilisation prevailing in the house. There is a difference between photographs and x-rays. I feel like saying : "If not for God's sake, atleast for the child's sake, please maintain peace in the house".. Every activity that takes place in the house is the child's activity for tomorrow. The speech of the parents is the ringtone of the child's speech. The parent's life-style is the child's school in which he learns whole heartedly. The personal life of the parents has a big role to play in the upbringing of the child. Let us remember again that the child learns very quickly by illustration and in no other way he learns as quickly. If the fresh milk in the vessel contaminates, than you can assume that the vessel which now contains the milk, had curd in it before and some drops of curd had remained, causing the milk to contaminate. Kids have two great strengths. 1. Grasping power 2. Imitating power. The grasping power of children and yogis is immense but there is a difference in their acceptance. The yogi's grasping power is like a mirror whereas the child's grasping power is like a camera lens. Everything is reflected in the mirror but the mirror only accepts it and remains a witness, m 73 Second Edition 73

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it does not accumulate these images nor does it get affected by it. As soon as the mirror is shifted, the image is no longer visible. The acceptance of the camera len's is exactly opposite. It accepts the image coming in front of it and then stores it in its memory. The image vanishes but its impression is captured in the film / memory chip. It creates a permanent impression. The yogi remains a knower and a witness. The child remembers the knowledge and the image of the thing / incident and proceeds further to emulate. Every power can become a blessing and also a curse. In that the two strengths of the child cannot be contradictory. Strength is neutral. The result depends on the person who experiments. If you can use these two special and immense strengths of the child psychology creatively at the right places, you can get spectacular results. Children are like blank cassettes, you can record whatever you wish, in a straight- forward and spontaneous manner. Wet mud accepts whatever shape you give it. "A delicate plant can be bent the way you want it to". This was actually implemented successfully and hence became a saying. "You cannot give borders to a pot which has already taken shape". This saying certifies the fact that the grasping power is very high for children. Here the environment at home becomes very significant. A polluted environment is extremely counterproductive to a child's mental health and sense of values. Today how many houses can boast of a healthy family relationship and an environment that fosters a high sense of values ? Second Edition

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Fear of punishment or expectation of a reward itself cannot help a child to learn. To teach a child true values, only prizes are not enough and punishment itself is not enough to prevent him from doing wrong. The parents should make all attempts to motivate their children. By illustration he may be motivated, by explanation his thinking process may improve, but all this has much lesser impact when compared with the behavior of the parents. A child can imbibe the noble character of kindness when he sees his mother showering her kindness to some-one. And this character trait cannot be acquired by reading even seven thousand's of books. High ideals are the most precious wealth that can be given as a legacy. Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our child. -Charles Swindoll. Second Edition 75

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CHILD : AFTER ALL A CHILD ! mm A colourful picture of a playful child, as beautiful as a rose was hung on the wall of a doctor's clinic. An interesting message was written below the picture. "We don't have the wisdom to understand the elders. You don't have the heart to understand us". If that illustrated child would take up a signature campaign, there is a likelihood of his mobilizing crores of signatures. Some-times when an elderly person insists on something, he is told: "now you are not a small child that you are behaving so obstinately". If a small child stubbornly insists for something , he is given two slaps and is told : "Can't you understand ? Tell me now, will you insist ?". When a collegian who is in a hurry, slips, he is told "why are you running around like 76 Second Edition

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a small child ?" and if a small child falls down while running, he gets two slaps and is also reprimanded thus : "don't you have any common-sense? Why are you running around like this for nothing ?" Before scolding or hitting children, you should take into account their age. After getting upset with the child or hitting him, the mother's conscience often pricks her. Very often she mentally vows, but suddenly loses her balance and hits her child again and repents again. If such parents understand child psychology, their vows will become meaningful and it shall become more easy to materialise the vows. After getting angry with the child in haste, they are heard uttering the following in self-defense :" we also have our own limitations! If they don't understand we are bound to lose our temper!" Instead of explaining their limitations to others, they should calmly understand the child's limitations : Children cannot contain their emotions. The intellect of elders works more than their heart. Whereas children's heart is more active than their intellect. Hence before implementing their emotions or thoughts, it is natural that they do not think more. Although he feels like crying, an elderly person may contain his tears in the presence of outsiders. Due to the presence of guests, often you may be angry with the member of a house, but remain calm for some time. Though he feels like playing, a high school student will contain his desire to play, keeping his exam in mind. Small kids have their limitations. If he feels like crying, he will immediately start crying. If he is denied something, he ma Second Edition

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will start sulking. If he feels like playing, he will immediately start playing. He is not able to comprehend that other peoples' sleep will be disturbed by his playing. If some-one slips, elders may be able to contain their laughter but small children will start laughing. If he is in a mood to study, the home-work is his and he will complete it. But if he is in a mood to play, then the homework is under the care of his mummy ! Children cannot contain their emotions. Children are not mature enough to attach a value to a thing or a person. Some elders may not be comfortable drinking doodhpaak, that is sweetened and thickened milk, and hence will decline to accept, when offered with some aggression, as is the custom at functions. If the child is not in a mood to eat, he will overturn his plate. Elders understand the difference between expensive clothes and plain clothes. Small kids will soil any clothes and make them wet too without differentiating between expensive and cheap clothes. Realising the fragileness of glass crockery, elders will lift them and put them down with responsibility and care. You cannot trust children. That is why when any delicate thing is picked up by a child, we carefully and tactfully take it away from them, and put it away. Elders know how to talk and behave respectfully with elders and important people. Kids can throw tantrums anywhere. There is no fixed place or time. When sweets are made for guests and a small child comes and partakes from the same before the guests arrive, can't the elders have enough wisdom to understand the emotional quotient of the child ? mm 78 Second Edition

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Children are not mature enough to understand the circumstances. If there is congestion in the house, children do not have the maturity to understand that they cannot spread out their toys and books or sit in the middle of the room. Elders are able to comprehend their financial position and contain their desire to purchase something even though they may have liked it. A child does not have the maturity to match his desires with the financial conditions of the family. * You cannot jump on beds made for guests, * You cannot turn the house topsy turvey by throwing pillows, * You cannot scribble and paint the walls with chalks and pens, * You cannot push a person who is applying mehendi on some-one's hands, * You cannot touch the paints while the colour is still wet, * You cannot interfere when two people are talking, The child does not understand many such things. If the child's parents understand this much, then the infamous dialogue of "can't you understand this much ?" accompanied by the spanking will automatically discipline itself. Govardhan Tripathi had compiled the famous drama "Saraswatichandra" and his little daughter unknowingly had made a kite from it's textual pages and was flying it. A child is one who will make a toy of what it likes and elders are those who will not rest till they eliminate that which they don't like. Second Feitioru m Second Edition

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A respectable person came upto Mr 'Ramanlal sitting by the sea-shore and growled : "Oh Hello ! here you are relaxing by the sea but atleast take a note of what your child is doing at home !" "Why dear ! is there any problem ?" "You are talking of problems ? See my clothes, they are all filled with mud. Since such a long time he is throwing mud at me. Just keep your children under control". Ramanlal replied calmly : "Brother ! children will play such pranks. Even we did such things. Don't get so upset". That gentleman now lost his temper : " Oh ! Accepted, they are children, but so mischievious! They should have some understanding atleast !" Ramanlal rejoined him with continued calmness : "See, my child is the quietest and most obedient. If you want to see impishness, see that child. He is breaking your umbrella". "What? This is too much !" Ramanlal consoled him : " Now stop getting perplexed and stop fretting and fuming. Children are likely to be as such. We also used to play such pranks. There is no need to get so disturbed? O.K." "My foot !" the complaining gentleman jumped. Ramanlal rejoined : " See, while you were complaining to me, my third child had opened your tiffin and is now eating out of the same. Brother ! Children are likely to be as such. Even we were like that ....". That gentleman was stamping his feet and without listening further he was running towards the children. But mu n second Edition Second Edition

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alas the tiffin was empty and the child was licking his fingers and smiling away. Now what to do? They were children. They were likely to behave as such!" How will you take a child Mischief is the name and mockery is the surname, chaos is their birth-place and playfulness is their identity! Still, when they break some-one's belongings, spoil it or eat some-one else's food, their behavior cannot be justified. But if there is some incident when they have played a lot of mischief, their parents should think twice, before raising their hand or reprimanding them cause : "Brother, they are children and children are likely to behave as such...even we used to do that". They will not change when spanked, but when they grow older. Just as each thing has it's own characteristics, Just like every individual has his own personality, Every age also has its own nature. ** Second Edition 81

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A MISSING ! "Those days when I had no child I had four theories regarding child development. Today when I have four children I have no theory". These words perhaps are uttered by one, but might have been experienced by many. From the time you hear about the advent of a new addition to the family, you start dreaming about the growth and development of your child. Mental preparations get started from the development of his health upto the development of his entire personality. A blue-print of an ideal human-being is created. But when actual development takes place, that entire blue-print and all the plans disappear elsewhere. Many players who exhibit a very good game during practice sessions are not able to repeat the same performance during actual game's. Many parents create the same scenario while playing the actual game. Below is some explanation for such players where a lot is covered in the brief guidance. Second Edition

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The parents should be prepared to handle the issues following the four point meritorious formula. 1. Be Available : Be within the child's sight. Today, many parents are alive but not present for the child. Parents are the child's help-line and this helpline should remain online for their children. Excessively busy parents ruin the lives of their children. Let me cite an incident that happened in one of the suburbs of Mumbai. One known young boy used to come to see me everyday. One day I casually asked him : "where is your father ? I have not seen him since many days ?" he immediately smiled and replied back : "oh ! even I have not seen him !" and smilingly went away. Many other children's experience is hidden in this answer. Today many other fathers are also found missing in the same fashion. The westerners are extremely tired of a life without a family. They have now awakened. To motivate them to have a good family life, western social reformers are enlightening people of the benefits of family dinner. The number of families who have dinner together for atleast 3 to 5 days in a week are increasing. Many researchers have opined that "children who have dinner with their families are less prone to drug addiction when compared with other children of their age. Their intellectual development is also higher, they are less stressed and they eat well. In many states of America they encourage family dinners on Sep 4. In our culture, eating food together is an age old tradition whereas in the western countries they celebrate such days. But this culture is spreading here too. It is amazing that now we in India too, consider all the family members eating together as a big event ! Second Edition

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A few years back Brihan Mumbai Muncipal Corporation had conveyed the following message on a hoarding at the railway station. It stated that "atleast once a week the whole family should dine together". You can imagine the rot that is taking place in our society that such a message would have to be displayed on a hoarding. In the villages, children travel a lot to fetch water and in the cities children travel a lot to get love. Those children who get enough love at home do not have to roam around to get synthetic love and affection. 2. Be approachable: Don't go outside the child's mental hemisphere. Those parents who appear within the eyesight of their children are parents who are available. Parents who are instantly remembered by children are those who are approachable. This issue needs to be understood in depth. Just as there is a difference between existence and presence, there is a subtle difference between the two issues of being present and making yourself present. Hot temper, rebuking nature, loathsome attitude, getting unnecessarily violent while pointing out faults, getting angry when there is a disruption in their current activity and all such behavior creates a distance in the child's heart and mind for his own parents. Hence even when they need something they will hesitate to seek help from their parents or they will be more inclined to seek advice or help from others instead of going to them for the same. It is so ironical that children keep a safe distance from their own parents in whose presence they should actually feel much more safe and sound. Such parents are called unapproachable. Such parents though accessible are still beyond the reach of their children. Please remember that parents are not some sort of emergency help line where children go begging for help when 84 Second Edition

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all efforts fail. Instead parents are a ready reckoner for their children at every stage of their life. During their young age there are many stages when children need the emotional support and encouragement from their parents. Sometimes they may have had a fight with an old friend and their friendship may have broken and they may be upset. They may also be depressed due to disappointing results, resulting in all their fees being wasted and hours of efforts going down the drain. Due to ignorance, anger or excitement they may have committed some errors and are very ashamed of themselves. These are the moments when they need to rebuild their goals and need your emotional support and affection. Mother is a symbol of emotional support and father is a symbol of encouragement. Someone has said very correctly:" the mother is a person who gives her lap and the father is a person who gives his shoulder". An emotional support from the mother helps the child to overcome a mountain of miseries. A little bit of encouragement helps the child to overcome his boredom by destroying his loneliness and depression. "Your Tommy is not capable of completing his studies. Don't send him to school from tomorrow". When the child came home crying with this note, his mother put her hand lovingly on his head and consoled him thus : "How does the school-teacher know whether my child can learn or not? Don't worry ! From tomorrow onwards I will teach you at home". That child studied at home only and going forward went on to become none other than renowned and learned scientist Thomas Alva Edison ! Just imagine what could have happened if, after reading his teacher's note, his mother had scolded m as Second Edition

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him instead of encouraging him? Then perhaps that teacher's prognosis would have been proved right. Some years ago in Mumbai, the class teacher of a fourth standard student had opined :"you will not move ahead in life because you don't write well". His hand-writing was really poor. Yet his mother used to hold his hand and spend hours helping him to improve his hand-writing. She would continuously pat his back encouragingly, saying that he was progressing well and kept increasing his enthusiasm. This boy today holds three degrees and runs classes for English and Accounts. Many medicines are recognized as life saving drugs. Emotional support and encouragement belong to this category of medicine. Delicate moments come very seldom in life when advice and directions do not suffice. These are the moments when emotional support and encouragement prove to provide life support like oxygen cylinders. When children are confused, parents who have donned the roles of friend, philosopher and guide always make themselves available to their children. Friendship is developed when two hands meet, love is fostered when two eyes meet but when you get the emotional warmth of a mother's lap and a father's shoulder, a child's life is designed. Be approachable. 3. Be Reasonable : Don't be unreasonable. For the child's development, advice and discipline should be used in a balanced manner. You cannot expect a child to complete his lessons by locking the child in a bathroom. Similarly you cannot expect the child to memorize his lessons quickly by keeping him hungry. The child does not like to be advised for 86 Second Edition

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everything and it is not required also. To protect the parents' undisputed right to advise and to ensure that their guidance is appreciated by their children, parents also need to ensure that their counseling doesn't become an overdose. Rains are required to grow the crops in the fields but they prove to be useful only if they fall in the right measure and at the right time. Excess rains have no limit on volumes. Unseasonal rainfall is of no use even if it is within limits because it does not fall at the right time. Children are also like the fertile land. Harvests of great successes and talents can be nurtured here. For that, appropriate measure of manure and water need to be provided alongwith the expectation of a good rainfall, but due to the following two types of excessive rains, this land is only wiped out : 1. Torrent of advise 2. Flood of admonitions What sugar and spice is to food, advice and reprisals is to a child's growth and development. Too much sugar also leaves a bad taste in the mouth and too much spice burns the mouth. Just guage the child's experience from your own experience. Advice given seldom has a higher degree of acceptance. The lesser the words used for advice, the higher is it's impact. Instead of stretching the same point again and again, short and sweet is more than much. There is a big difference between reproaching and grumbling, like the difference between the hours hand and the minute's hand in the clock. The sound of the hour hand is Second Edition 87

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heard and noted. The second's hand keeps on making noise. It has got the habit. Same goes for a reprimand. To commit a mistake is like the happening of rash or a boil. This disease needs to be cured. The cure will be painful but you can be a little cautious. There are two reasons for reprimands : 1. Error and 2. Failure. If the mistake is ordinary, you should not scold too much and even if the mistake is a very serious one, you should not pour like a hail storm. You need to check the reason behind the error. You should also see how often the error is committed. Four step by step processes have been mentioned in the Jain scriptures to punish a child who has committed an error with a view to transform him. They are as follows : 1. Reminder 2. Restrain 3. Inspiration and 4. Encouragement. Sometimes a mere reminder would suffice to get the desired result. Sometimes you have to be a little strict, sometimes you have to be very strict and sometimes you have to take disciplinary action as well. Parents should consider the well-being of their children as well as evaluate the situation and behave accordingly. Where a small tablet will cure the illness, the doctor does not see the need to give an injection and when required he does not hesitate to perform a surgery also. Harshness by the parent when the child fails is like adding insult to injury. Instead, you should act a little sweetly. Instead of deciphering the causes for their child's failures and allaying the same, many parents keep comparing them with the success of other children. Doing this does not help their Second Edition

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child in any manner. A child who has failed will become depressed due to such erratic behavior of their parents. Every child's interest in studies and capability is not the same. Instead of comparing the child's mark-sheet with that of the rankers and reasoning why their child does not get the same marks, the father should ask himself why he is not able to earn as much as his boss? How does he find this bitter comparision ? "Five fingers are not the same". This saying is not merely endorsed by elders for nothing. Don't take advantage of your child's age and weakness and make him a pawn to satisfy your ego. He is worthy of your attention and his growth needs to be nurtured by you. Be Reasonable. 4. Be Practical: Be realistic. When a child plays pranks due to his age, it is not the child who is playing but his age that is playing. During his teenage, if he back-answers, then instead of drawing conclusions about his character, think about the similar behavior by you at that age. When he learns something incorrect by emulating you as his idol, correct yourself with a view to ensuring that your child does not pick up your vices or bad habits. If your child points out your errors and if he is correct, first rectify your error and then correct your child for his impudence. As the child grows a little old, he gets vision, speech and thoughts. Where you have failed as a parent in your duties and how much you have run short in your duties, that he fails to comprehend, due to the limitations of the development of his mental faculties. At such a time if he is rebuked or spanked, then it is not appropriate from the point of view of fairness and rational conduct. At such times, instead of trying to defend yourself, indulging in arguments, finding excuses or Second Edition 89

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making allegations, be courageous enough to be frank and straight forward. If too much strictness leads your child to speak lies and do his will, then you need to change your tactics. Tactics can never be higher than the goal. After completing his board exams, a child was reading something in his room. His mother was surprised. This continued for 2-3 days. One day suddenly his mother checked into his room. The child hid the book under his pillow. His mother inquired: "what are you reading ?". She didn't get any positive reply. So his mother forcibly snatched the book from the child's hand. The title of the book read: "Learn to be ideal parents". She was momentarily dazed but did not ask him any reason. But thereafter there was a big difference in her behavior. After that the child was also not found reading such books. Acceptance of parents to change their behaviour by introspection and investigation of their activities is also a part of a child's development program. Be Practical. 90 Confirm your Parenthood. Personally Attentive. Adaptable. Respecting. Epitomizing. Nurturing. Time giving. Second Edition

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UPBRINGING SPEAKS FOR ITSELF Many people are extremely good : reason ? Thanks to their parents ! - Many people are not so good : reason ? Thanks to their parents ! Any human-being resides in our heart mainly due to his character. Like the physical development, character is also developed during childhood. Thereafter it is difficult to change. Children who have been pampered a lot in childhood often become stubborn. Their parents often complain about them. But they do not dwell on the reasons why their children have become so obstinate. Childhood is the seed of personality development. How you nurture then, will help to create a beneficial and strong personality as he grows up. If the child does not speak or stammers, parents immediately get him treated. Just as the stammer needs to be treated, so does a bitter tongue. You are worried if your child's physical development is not taking place properly. Every Second Edition 91

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parent is deeply concerned about the development of his child's mental capabilities as well. Similarly, every parent wishes that his child's overall personality develops but very few parents take efforts or have the capability to help him develop a good character. You have to ensure that the following two aspects form part of a child's upbringing : 1. Character development 2. Temperament development The child can defend himself by character development, and by temperament development everyone is protected. The child is going to be a part of the larger joint family, the community, society and the state. He will be someone's near one, someone's friend, someone's neighbor or someone's spouse. At every stage the foundation of his mental peace and happiness will be his own temperament. Your unmarried daughter who has to go to another home in the future should have a caring nature which will enable her to win over the other family members as her own. Who would help her to cultivate such a temperament where she does not become disrespectful to elders, get lethargic in performing her duties and ensure that the unity of the house remains intact ? Her temperament should be so cultivated that she learns to take care of all these issues, naturally. You cannot be sure what kind of in-laws are in store in your daughter's fortune but if she is endowed with the character traits of endurance and helpfulness, she will always get good in-laws. All parents parcel their sense of values to another house through the medium of their daughter. 92m m 92 Second Edition Second Edition

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When your daughter and son fight during their childhood, separating them or merely punishing the wrongdoer is not enough. You should teach them the virtues of mutual co-existence and inter personal relationships ( if they have the required capacity to understand). These values will surely help them in their future lives. If your son shares some wafers from his snack-box with his class-mate, then you should encourage him and inculcate in him the spirit of generosity and hospitality such that it becomes a spontaneous gesture. You can be a role model by behaving correctly with poor, unhappy and sick people, so that the qualities of compassion, gratitude and chivalry are nurtured in him. You should ensure that by the time he comes of teenage, he is fully equipped in the science of social behavior. In so many families a special type of bad upbringing is being implemented. The daughter-in-law who cannot get along with her mother-in-law, will keep her son away from the grandma. When the mother has a problem with her sister-inlaws, the child's aunts, she will present the entire cardiogram of her sister-in-laws before the child. By discussing her problems with her children, the mother is initiating a shadow of bad vibes in the child's mind towards his aunts, and weakens his future relationships with them. By mistake also you should never pass on your ill feelings for your inlaws and relatives to your children. This act is akin to pouring acid over a beautiful rose plant. The new generation has to be taught the lessons of love in such a manner that any relative's plight or worry touches them first ! Effective lessons of compassion and familial love should be played and displayed out when needed. But, if you Second Edition 93

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give lessons where his emotions get paralyzed, you are actually cutting the wings of growth of your own child. Slow poison is reactive for a longer time. In terms of development, more attention is paid to physical development than mental development and greater significance is given to acquiring knowledge than to nurture emotional development. Parents are happy if their children obtain knowledge about animals by visiting zoos or seeing Discovery channel. Can you not take your child to an animal sanctuary or a veterinary hospital and teach him how to take care of animals and treat them when sick ? By this experiment, compassion and tenderness spontaneously awakens in the child's heart. Many parents use the television for baby-sitting. If the small child does not eat, the mother feeds him in front of the television set ( though in many cases under the pretext of feeding the child, the mother fulfills her own addiction towards the television ). "If the child sits in front of the television and eats, he will finish eating each morsel faster and the mother will also be freed". This is the mentality which is at work. The mother does not realize that alongwith the food that is fed , the child's mind is also getting mal-nourished. The child's mind is very receptive. Alongwith the food that he takes, his receptivity is at work and with each morsel that he eats, he also absorbs the image that is being shown on the television and this vision makes an imprint on his character. This invisible intake is not noticed immediately but it's effect will definitely be seen, if not immediately then in the future when it will be difficult to rectify. As a result the am Second Edition

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traits of cruelty, passion and lethargy may be awakened, in his temperament Mentality plays an important role in every human's life. If you want your child to be the lord of a satvik, healthy life, you have to gift him a righteous mentality. He should not feel jealousy upon seeing someone's progress, nor should selfcentredness and selfishness eat his heart up, or criticism, gossip and base talk become the indulgence of his life. Every parent must remember that he nurtures his child with a view to help him develop a royal and rich temperament and endow him with large heartedness. Even after death, parents are still alive in the child's temperament. It's truely said: "the fruits are akin to their trees and children are akin to their parents". Second Edition 95

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CHILD UPBRINGING : A JEWEL OF FAMILY CULTURE A driver drove his car and halted near the foot-path of Marine Drive sea-shore. The rear doors 3 of both sides opened simultaneously and two toddlers jumped out. Then they started arguing over some issue. The passers-by could not 3 understand anything. They could only hear : "No, me !...", "No, me ! .." The issue was that after taking their grandfather to the temple, on their return journey, they had to help their grand-father relax on the bench of the footpath, adjoining the sea-shore. The two boys were fighting over who would help their grand-father alight from the car and step on to the foot-path. Finally their father resolved the issue by passing an impartial judgement : "Lets do one thing. Just now Ravi will help the grand-father alight and then it will be Raj's turn to help him sit in the car, once done". Delighted Ravi gave both his hands to support his grand-father step out of the car. Then tenderly he helped his grand-father Second Edition

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hold his stick and victoriously looking at Raj with dancing eyes, led his grand-father to the bench and made him sit. A tourist travelling from one of the western countries, was watching this incident with a camera hung over his neck. From the entire incident, he could understand everything excepting the language. With great amazement, the man lifting his shoulders exclaimed : "vow ! what a pleasure !" It will be a great surprise if this tourist, whose own two sons living in the same city, same country has never experienced such emotions, or has never seen such familial love in his own country, does not get flabbergasted. This incident of familial love, a reflection of the great Indian family life-style, at Marine Drive, overshone the beauty and sparkle of the famous Queen's necklace, the popular area of Nariman Point. . Whoever sees this exemplary incident, is absolutely stunned at seeing the good fortune of the grand-father and the affection of the two virtuous grand-children. But you cannot overlook the contribution of the second generation who have inculcated such high ideals and extended the magnificence of noble virtues in heredity, to their heirs. The picture is beautiful due to the artistic talent of the artist. The high ideals of patriotism and the weightage to the principles governing child upbringing have no place in western culture and life-style. Children raised amidst crazy materialism and in the environment of result-oriented and absurd capitalism of their over-whelming consumption led empires, cannot see anything excepting cut-throat competition and uncontrolled consumption. They know only one language: money. These emotions and beliefs not only apply to the Second Edition mo

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Americans but they apply in equal measure to many Indians who have now settled there. Americans have now awakened. One organization has been formed and is working hard to find a solution to this huge burning problem that has engulfed this country. This organization is named as "NEPI" ( National Effective Parenting Initiative ). The goal of NEPI is to help people become successful parents. For giving the finest upbringing to children, this organization runs work-shops and classes everywhere. A presentation of the program made by NEPI's President, Founder and Chief Executive Dr Kerby T. Alwy on the basis of his decades of research will be presented in the White House and the American Congress as well. Besides, this course will be introduced in many schools and corporates. This training will be imparted to the parents of children studying in these schools and to corporate executives. In short, this and similar other programs are considered to be the image of "American Future". If we do not lose the principles and uniqueness of the tradition of child upbringing and development of the child's values which India has cherished since centuries, then we will not need these kind of programs ( as these programs still give more importance to comfortable lives and not to virtuous lives ). The difference lies in the foundations of the life-style of western and eastern countries as can be seen from the fact that here we live in joint families whereas they have to run classes for the same. Indians have a masters degree in this field of familial love whereas here, the western countries are still in the kindergarten stage. 98 Second Edition

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The influence of western life-style has been increasing and today the same is being reflected in our society as well. Today impudence is increasing in the new generation and virtuousness is decreasing. The child's friend's circle is increasing but his affection for his family is declining. This is due to the changing times and also the lack of efforts in nurturing by parents to some extent. If character development becomes weak, it is not only one person who becomes weak but one family, one community, one society, one state, one country, and the whole world will be affected in a large or subtle manner because each person is a small spare-part of the large machinery of this universe. Many years ago Dr. Charles Wahle of California University had given a lecture at a college. He had made a note-worthy observation in his speech. He said : "If all parents raise their children by imbibing the right sense of values, the whole universe can be changed in only one generation". If the whole house gets affected when the house-wife bungles up while cooking food, then just imagine the result if thousands of parents are negligent about the upbringing of their children ! wouldn't it impact the entire new generation ? If the main actor doesn't act well, doesn't the whole drama suffer ? Children's upbringing is a prime issue among the many issues that have been neglected in today's world. Due to the global warming, the ice-bergs in Antartica are melting, the shores of oceans are extending and if we don't take corrective actions soon, we will certainly experience it's impact on the environment in the coming decade. In the same way, the event of today's generation becoming devoid of virtues should be Second Edition 99

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considered as a major tragedy. The decline in the depth of character is far more worrisome than the downgoing water level under the soil. The drought arising due to lack of character development is far more dangerous than the drought arising due to lack of water. The drought of water affects one year whereas the drought of character development affects the whole generation. We are presently passing through an age where there is a famine of good values and noble character. The epidemic of bad company, advertising mediums like the television, excessive rains of vices from the clouds of western influence, have impacted the present generation immensely. While on the other hand the oceans of good values have dried up. There are three important factors which make a child extremely secure from within. Education, parents and guardians. The education of present times being devoid of an appreciation for sense of values and being more informative in nature has moved away from its stated gaal of nurturing values. On the contrary under the pretext of the medium of education, many vices and wrong beliefs are sowed in the child's mind. The nourishment of values that can be instilled by grand-parents and elders of the family has declined due to the advent of the nucleus family. Extremely busy and negligent parents are not able to perform the role of ideal parents with diligence. Thus in the 'child' field, irrigation has become very difficult and the hope of reaping a good harvest has become a distant dream. When the non performing assets of a bank increase, the bank is derated and is gradually wound up or taken over. A innum erosition 100 Second Edition

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child is the asset of a parent and human life is the gift which is received by the child. If the child's upbringing becomes weak then this asset becomes non-performing. In the future lives, some may remain childless while others may not be fortunate enough to be re-born as a human-being. Neglegence of duty is not a small offense. " Hitopadeshmala, a holy scripture written by Shree Prabhanandansuriji prescribes some parental duties as follows: * Make your child physically strong * Make him financially stable Make him competent in the management of inter personal relationships * Make him intellectually mature Make him socially healthy * Make him mentally capable and * Make him spiritually inclined It is the parents' duty to give their child such a protective umbrella. The child's birth is merely an event. To become a parent is an act of devotion. Shree Dharmadas gani, a prominent Jain preacher has come up with a strong approach towards neglegent guardians. In his famous creation 'Updeshmala', he has compared such guardians with a 'Butcher !" Second Edition *** 101

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STAR STAR HEALTH AND ALLIED INSURANCE COMPANY LIMITID Phone: 044-28263300/28288800 E-mail: uw starhealth.in CLAIM FORM FOR TRAVEL PROTECT / SAFE INSURANCE (The tumihing of this form should not be construed admision of ability) Name of the person claiming : Mr./Mrs. Home address in India 3 Address for communication 4. 5. 6. 7. Telephone/Mobile/E-mail ID Occupation Date of Birth Type of Policy Details of Policy: Policy Number Date of commencement of Trip No. of days Proposed Date of return to India FAMILY INSURANCE Happy life does not mean a big bungalow ! Happy life does not mean a strong bank balance ! Happy life does not mean excessive luxuries ! Happy life does not mean a healthy body! A happy life means having a balanced and peaceful mind despite having or not having all or any of the above. No wealth compares to a balanced and composed mind. At any cost you have to maintain your mental equilibrium and nothing should get priority over your mental peace. In today's day-to-day life, there are many challenges to remaining peaceful and mentally 3 composed. Sometimes the security of money disappears, sometimes the support of good health trembles or sometimes the pillars of the family waver. Your children, who form the foundation of your future security become the cause of your worries and pains. In any of the above circumstances, the mental peace is deeply hurt. Such pain is then reflected on your face and is mirrored in your speech and your actions. 102 Second Edition

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Mental tension not only makes you lose your peace and contentment but also does not let you focus on your spiritual activities. Shree Dharmaratna Prakaran (namely a holy scripture) has described 21 requirements for practicing spiritual activities. "Supakshayukt" i.e. an accommodating family is one such requirement. An accommodating and facilitating family is one which is filled with the sweet fragrance of noble virtues and love, unity, tolerance and an attitude of helpfulness form the colours of their rangolis, (colourful welcoming decorations at their entrance). Such a family is called a facilitating supaksh family. In a house holder's life, an important pillar for helping. him to maintain peace is his child. An important contributor for a child's character is his parents. When both contributors lose their effectiveness, the house no longer remains vibrant and cheerful but becomes a lifeless tent of dejected orphans. This is a social crime also. Such an outcome after getting a human birth in a noble family is akin to a spiritual tragedy. The character development of the new generation has become a very vital problem of today's times. A lot of awareness prevails in this context. It is the parents's responsibility to ensure that their heir is not attacked by any virus. You get two big benefits where this duty is fulfilled with responsibility 1. Children are an important support for enabling the parents to have peace. Their development will ensure the security of the parents. Human-birth provides a fertile ground for the spiritual development of a soul. After getting such a birth if a child gets the right training, his life is also made and his birth proves fruitful. Character building is such a strange ritual, that the host and the guest both benefit from it. mo Second Edition 103

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A soul which gets a human-birth is definitely fortunate. His upliftment in life would now rest solely on his parents. The parents have been blessed with a soul which has the potential to develop. The tree is hidden within the seed. All it needs is the right quantum of manure, water, sunlight and a talented gardener to help the seed germinate and realize its true potential. If a slab of makarana marble is lying next to a paan vendor, then it will lose its true white colour also with the kicks of the passers-by and the spits of the paans they consume. However, if this very same slab of marble is entrusted to a talented sculptor, he would carve a beautiful image from it. The marble is the same but at one place it is in a pitiable condition whereas at another, it is worshipped. This is the result of the sculptor who worked on it and the use to which it was put. This same principle which applies to marble, applies to your heir also. Hitopadesha, an ethics promoting write up has also described irresponsible guardians using very stern words. "Maata shatru: pitaa vairi, yen baalo na paatith:"An ignorant father or a neglecting mother least bothered about the child's development is regarded as an enemy of the child. A gardener who neglects his duty of nurturing the garden can convert a beautiful garden into a heap of garbage. A good farmer can harvest a bounty from an infertile land parcel also. When a developer buys an empty plot and starts constructing as per the architect's plan, you find a majestic tower in that empty space after a few months. This humanbirth is akin to such an empty plot with a huge scope for construction. mmm mmmmmm 104 Second Edition

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A delegation was travelling from one village to another of Gujarat with the intention of noting the historic events at each such location. Their survey questionnaire contained a question : "was any great man born in this village ?" They had a strange experience in one of the villages of North Gujarat. The elders of the village responded in the negative when posed with the above question. Seeing the popularity, wealth and the size of the population, the delegation was astounded. They checked again with them :"are you sure that no great man was born in your village ?". "Definitely no !" was the reply. "Are you sure about your reply?" they sought reconfirmed. "Ofcourse ! only children were born in our village. Thereafter how they were trained and how they progressed, are events after their birth". This smart reply from an old man reveals the mind of a logical thinker. The comb plays a major role in shaping the bunch of unruly hair into a good hair style. "A family should be a closely knit group. The home should be a self-contained shelter of security. A kind of school where life's basic lessons are taught. A kind of temple where God is honoured, A place wholesome recreation and simple pleasured are enjoyed." -Billy Graham. Second Edition Second Edition 105

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Guidance to Guardians * Carry on with the upbringing task'in a caring manner. * Love your children a lot during their childhood days. Equip them with various skills and talents once they attain the required intellect and grasping power. Introduce them to learned masters who will impart to them the meaning and significance of God, Guru and Dharma and teach them the importance of their . presence in their lives. * Marry your son/daughter to the right partner if he/ she does not wish to renounce the world. Teach them the ways to manage the worldly life comprising of home and business and gradually handover the reins of business and home management to them. Do not praise them too much in their presence. However at the appropriate time do pat their backs. Do oversee the income and expenses of their business. * Share your political contacts and make him aware of the global scenerio also. Ensure that he doesn't get embroiled in mis-deeds and vices. Despite that, if he still goes astray, do steer him back on the right path by giving instances of the state of people trapped in such vices and mis-deeds. Ref. : 'Hitopdeshmala' A Jain Scripture by Prabhanandsuri 106 in 106 Second Edition second Edition

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Guardian : From a child's Perspective Guard when endangered Umbrella when heated Arbour when exhausted Resource when needed Doctor when consulted Inspector when disorderly Advisor when sought Nucleus when identified

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bay Children learn what they live... * If children live with criticism, they learn to Condemn. * If children live with hostility, they learn to Fight. * If children live with fear, they learn to be Apprehensive. * If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for Themselves. * If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel Shy. * If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel Envy. * If children live with shame, they learn to feel Guilty. * If children live with encouragement, they learn Confidence. * If children live with tolerance, they learn Patience. If children live with praise, they learn Appreciation.

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* If children live with acceptance, they learn to Love. * If children live to approval, they learn to like Themselves. * If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a Goal. * If children live with sharing, they learn Generosity * If children live with honesty, they learn Truthfulness. * If children live with fairness, they learn Justice. * If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn Respect. * If children live with security, they learn to have faith in Themselves and in Those about them. * If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to Live. Children learn more from what you are than what you teach... -Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D ba

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A Road Map for Effective Parenting Take any Book ! There is always a chance for improvement in the second edition. Let this simple publication principle be publicly applied in social life. A child is the second edition of parents. There is a chance for correcting existing errors. There is a scope for value addition and moral multiplication. For nurturing future, Let the first edition be benefitted through this Second Edition? Second Edition